I feel like I am wronging people by only posting one person today but I will take comfort in the fact that literally none of them are bothered by their exclusion. I had to choose someone and so here is Kailani Craine who is from Australia, which makes her even extra impressive. See, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of Australia because I have seen every Mad Max Movie, both Crocodile Dundees multiple times, and sometimes the Crocodile Hunter used to be on TV in the lounge when I walked past it in college. So I’m pretty much an expert and what I know about Australia is that it is full of giant spiders and snakes and everything on the entire continent is either poisonous, venomous, or both and it’s all trying to kill you. Now, some smart ass is going to bring up Kangaroos. Are even Kangaroos trying to kill you? Especially the Kangaroos. Don’t let those cute pouches and charming hops fool you, if a Kangaroo had the chance it would kill you and everything you’ve ever loved. On top of that it’s all the Outback. And not the kind that serves you steak, it’s better than that but still kind of miserable because it’s hot and red and it never rains and if the 1984 horror movie Razorback is to be believed, and I don’t know why it would lie, full of giant mutant boars. Which obviously are trying to kill you. So it’s impressive enough that she survived that kind of place but on top of that to play a winter sport in a land that is, once again, a dessert where warlords control all access to water, which is needed for ice and snow, well, that’s remarkable. This is all makes her very tough and very assertive to have learned how to ice skate, much less at an Olympic level. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it because of course she’s a figure skater, her country is a sneaky place that has beautiful things that are actually deadly, it’s the inherent contradiction of Australia and Figure Skating. And I know that might be strange to say that about figure skating but here is the thing, you watch a figure skater and you think, “My god, what a beautiful, delicate flower”. You see a girl and you think, oh, she’s this tiny, slight girl, so graceful, so delicate. But it’s all a lie. They are not these things. Well… they’re graceful. But go look at any figure skater’s instagram and of course they have legs like tree trunks. What, do you think they were jumping without muscles? And then if you get a work out shot of their arms and back and you realize that they could rip you in two with their bare hands. I am not here to decry delicate flowers, they have their place, but I have never seen a bouquet of tulips and thought it could tear my arms from my torso if I made it angry. So you know, figure skating is like that, it almost wants to make people forget through artistry and shiny costumes that these are remarkable athletes. I guess I am saying figure skaters don’t always get the respect they deserve, especially from sports fans. I respect them. I’ll be honest, the fact that Kailani Craine survived the endless death trap that I imagine Australia to be is impressive enough. She can also jump on ice while wearing a pretty dress? That’s too much talent for one person. Today I want to fuck Kailani Craine.
Who I want to Fuck Today 