When I was a kid one day at the pool we were having a diving competition. Which was really a misnomer because the point was to make the biggest splash, which from what I can tell watching the Olympics is the opposite of the point of a diving competition. Anyway, I had no hope of winning because I was really undersized when I was younger and was usually about a year younger than my peers. But I did proclaim I knew the ultimate dive to make a big splash called the Bald Eagle. I confided this in a kid who was easily the biggest dick at the pool. I know you’re really not to declare kids to be dicks but let’s be honest, some are, and this kid was just a little asshole. So I knew he’d steal my dive when I describe it. The Bald Eagle involved getting your arms under your knees to make “wings” and landing crotch first in the water with your legs spread wide thanks to your arms. The result was not much of a splash but the water delivering a nice solid kick to the nuts. I knew he’d steal it and he did and man was he in pain. I learned very early in life that you can get more done with a wink and a smile than you can with anything else, just be a little bit charming and you’ll be able to get the biggest dick at the pool to hit himself in the nuts. I am telling you this story to illustrate the depth of my knowledge about diving. That’s it, I know how to make children hurt themselves, that is as far as it goes really. Also, my realization that we are often influenced by factors that are less that objective, no matter what we think, charm and other suck things play a bigger factor in decisions than we think. So what I am saying is I would be a terrible diving judge. I watch it and every time it’s like, “Oh fuck, that girl jumps and spun and went in the water, that was amazing”. They would all get 10’s. And Kassidy Cook would benefit the most from this because she is adorable and beautiful and so like, if the whole thing is someone is supposed to look good in the water? Well, she looks good doing everything, instant 10. Are 10’s the highest score in diving? I honestly don’t know. I watch but I know next to nothing. Anyway, my real point here is that today I want to fuck Kassidy Cook.
Who I want to Fuck Today 