Well guys, today is a snow day but my understanding is not in Australia. I am posting Michelle Jenneke cause… why not? I have no reason I can really think of, I almost forgot to post today. I am suddenly pretty checked out on tumblr. No clue why. Anyway, I saw a picture of her and it looked sunny and nice and somehow I have only posted her once. I really could have sworn it was more than that but it turns out it isn’t. So today I want to fuck Michelle Jenneke.
Sometimes when I post it can be hard to do someone justice. The thoughts are there but the words won’t translate them and I feel like perhaps I have done a disservice. I am posting Aly Raisman again cause I was thinking about her again. In part I almost felt cheated we didn’t get to sneak in more photoshoot pictures last time, as nice as it was to do the red carpet, but mainly I was thinking about the strange nature of fame and how we can confuse it with importance if we aren’t careful. Aly Raisman is a hero. I am sure someone on the internet will take issue with that sort of statement but that someone is probably either ill informed and has no idea why I would say that or just a real piece of shit. Either way I don’t have much time for them, I’m too tired and cranky to waste my time. She is a hero. Even if she hadn’t stood up to her abuser and made it her mission to try and make the world a better place as a result she is well worth our respect just because she seems to be a combination of dedicated, hard working, and a deeply good person. I am on record saying an Olympic Gymnast is someone who as a little girl worked harder than most of us do as adults. That alone is the sort of thing we should look up to. On top of that she is gracious in victory and defeat. And yes, she is a hero. So it feels like one of the strange quirks of the world that when she is at an event for like, MTV or something, she is one of the least famous people there. And that can be confused for importance but it shouldn’t be. I should have better thoughts on this but sometimes they don’t come. I guess what I am posting Aly Raisman because she is important. Like I said the other day for Jessie Diggins, I am proud she represents me as American. Today I want to fuck Aly Raisman.
So I expected to post someone, anyone really, at comic con today because I am an easily influenced idiot and I knew that’s where all the pictures are coming from. Instead I am posting Alex Morgan because I am an easily influenced idiot and she was at the Kid’s Choice Sports Awards apparently. I mocked the ESPYs a little but I have no problem with a Kid’s Choice anything because ranking and choosing favorites is an important part of being a kid and constructing self identity. I guess I am giving kids way more leeway. If they want to vote on a favorite athlete then they should because that sort of thing matters a lot to a kid. And for me it’s nice because any excuse to get to see Alex Morgan. While she looks really good in a soccer kit, there isn’t a ton of variety there, so something red carpet now and then is nice to have. So I am posting her. Today I want to fuck Alex Morgan.
Jessie Diggins is in this year’s body issue, which I suppose is old news if you follow that kind of thing but I don’t because you can’t follow everything. I actually am a big fan of what ESPN does with the body issue and I am sure someone has some issue with it because the world is full of haters but it does a remarkable job of covering lots of body types and lots of ages in a celebration of the human form. I mean, Greg Norman is in it this year and he’s 63, and looks fantastic by the way, and it’s just a nice. I am sure someone hates it because it’s nudity and some people cannot separate nudity from depravity but I consider it a positive thing that is put into the world once a year. And we get a double positive this time with Jessie Diggins who, and this is also old news but I am just catching up, wrote about it on her blog and her struggles with an eating disorder when she was in her late teens. I have always found Jessie Diggins delightful and the one time I posted her previously in the past it was about how delightful I found her despite her not medaling. Then she went and medaled and remained delightful and inspirational. And she continues to be both of those things here because the truth is admitting anything like this is braver than you know. Or maybe you do know. I don’t have an eating disorder but I like many have parts of my past that are considered taboo to talk about or something I should be ashamed of. It takes a lot of courage to come clean about these things because it will alter how people will see you and the simple truth is a lot of people will attack you for it. I haven’t looked cause god knows I don’t need the rage that builds up inside me but I am sure the internet is full of terrible people with things to say about how either she is doing this for attention (people love negative attention. I know I personally love being attacked and told what a terrible person I am. It is so much fun) or that she is lying and well, who knows. This sort of thing tends to bring out the most vile parts of humanity. But it helps people so she did it anyway because she’s brave and you know heroic. It’s what she does. This winter I was proud to have her represent me as an American and today I continue to be proud that she represents me and my country. I am thankful that she does and we get to have her. So I wanted to post her. Today I want to fuck Jessie Diggins.
Here is Puck Moonen who has been blessed with not just an amazing name but also beauty and athletic prowess. She is Dutch Cyclist and she reminds me of a bunch of other Dutch Athletes that I am aware of in that if you showed me pictures and told me she was a supermodel I’d believe it. Which works because they all look at least a little like Doutzen Kroes who is both Dutch and a Supermodel and it all makes me wonder, what the fuck is going on in the Netherlands? Is this just what people look like there? How did we not know? Is that what the pot is all about? You get people so high they don’t notice? Why would you want to keep this secret? “Hi, welcome to Amsterdam, yes, we’re all beautiful but you can’t tell anyone. Eat this brownie”. It seems very odd. Anyway, she is a cyclist which I don’t have a lot to say about. I used to like riding my bike until helmet laws came into play, at which point I was too cool to ever ride a bike again. But I get the appeal sometimes. In a paraphrasing Joni Mitchell sense that I wish I had a road so I could ride away. Anyway, she came to my attention because I saw her once and said, “Holy shit, who is that?” I did my research and it turned out she was Dutch Cyclist Puck Moonen. Everything about that is awesome and she is beautiful. And if you can’t just ride away from life a little beauty can help make it more tolerable. Today I want to fuck Puck Moonen.
Sometimes my picks probably seem out of the blue. Or just strange. They are maybe but it’s how these things work. So how did I get to a freestyle skier in April? I promise you it made sense in my brain as it bounced from one thing to another and then suddenly I was just there. I really found her rather charming during the Olympics so I subscribed to her Youtube channel and stuff and she sure seems like a sweetheart and then I went looking and she has done some stuff for Superdry in the past couple of weeks and… here we are. Cause Rowan Cheshire is really hot guys. I know it’s out of season and out of the blue but it is what it is. Today I want to fuck Rowan Cheshire.
It was basically an inevitability I was posting Kaetlyn Osmond again today. I knew going into today with the Women’s Free Skate yesterday that she was very likely to show up. In some ways I am sorry I have to post her again because there are so many talented athletes I just wanted to mention. Even just in figure skating. Gabby Daleman is worth noting just for her otherworldly beauty (and the way my heart broke for her last night 3 separate times and then a fourth when I saw the way her face looked leaving the ice). Karen Chen is notable strictly because she might have the best on ice attire I have ever seen. Seriously, google it or, I guess just ask me in a message, I’ll share, it’s strikingly beautiful and creative and perfect. Ivett Toth deserves to be mentioned just for her short program the other night which I think charmed basically half the world with how amazing it was to see someone skate in a leather jacket to AC/DC. And really everyone because they are all so skilled. I have said before that making the Olympics is impressive enough and it is. So many of these young women just skated their hearts out and they fall and it breaks my heart and it must be even harder their but they get up and keep going and their faces don’t show a hint of pain until it’s over. When I was younger I often discounted figure skating as most did as frivolous or silly or not a real sport and for that I owe them and generations of figure skaters before an apology. I think we all know why the most popular winter sport that draws more female viewers than male is immediately discredited in the minds of many sports fans. My point is, I have all of that going into this and lots I wanted to say but Kaetlyn was always going to be posted because I had to. As remarkable as everyone else is, as impressive as it is, she is simply that much more remarkable. I don’t know why she stood out to me 4 years ago in Sochi but she did. She is beautiful yes. God is she beautiful but there is beauty in surplus at these games and still something about how she skates speaks to me. I am not an expert. Far from it. Judges ding things and all I can think is, “Looked pretty fucking sweet to me you picky assholes”. So I can’t claim she is better than the Russians but I like her and how she skates a great deal more. There is just a feel to it. It feels right. Theirs didn’t speak to me in the same way. Every time she skates I am enraptured. It’s why I took the time to make a bunch of gifs, I think you have to see her in motion, and even my shitty gifs hold at least a tiny bit of the joy of watching her. So yeah, as I said earlier she is beautiful, and it’s part of why she’s here but there is more than that. The Olympics are almost over, almost everything is done and figure skating is completely over. I have watched more figure skating this year than probably any other Olympics before, at least since I was a kid and didn’t control the remote. She was my favorite part of it. Today I want to fuck Kaetlyn Osmond.
I feel like I am wronging people by only posting one person today but I will take comfort in the fact that literally none of them are bothered by their exclusion. I had to choose someone and so here is Kailani Craine who is from Australia, which makes her even extra impressive. See, I have an encyclopedic knowledge of Australia because I have seen every Mad Max Movie, both Crocodile Dundees multiple times, and sometimes the Crocodile Hunter used to be on TV in the lounge when I walked past it in college. So I’m pretty much an expert and what I know about Australia is that it is full of giant spiders and snakes and everything on the entire continent is either poisonous, venomous, or both and it’s all trying to kill you. Now, some smart ass is going to bring up Kangaroos. Are even Kangaroos trying to kill you? Especially the Kangaroos. Don’t let those cute pouches and charming hops fool you, if a Kangaroo had the chance it would kill you and everything you’ve ever loved. On top of that it’s all the Outback. And not the kind that serves you steak, it’s better than that but still kind of miserable because it’s hot and red and it never rains and if the 1984 horror movie Razorback is to be believed, and I don’t know why it would lie, full of giant mutant boars. Which obviously are trying to kill you. So it’s impressive enough that she survived that kind of place but on top of that to play a winter sport in a land that is, once again, a dessert where warlords control all access to water, which is needed for ice and snow, well, that’s remarkable. This is all makes her very tough and very assertive to have learned how to ice skate, much less at an Olympic level. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it because of course she’s a figure skater, her country is a sneaky place that has beautiful things that are actually deadly, it’s the inherent contradiction of Australia and Figure Skating. And I know that might be strange to say that about figure skating but here is the thing, you watch a figure skater and you think, “My god, what a beautiful, delicate flower”. You see a girl and you think, oh, she’s this tiny, slight girl, so graceful, so delicate. But it’s all a lie. They are not these things. Well… they’re graceful. But go look at any figure skater’s instagram and of course they have legs like tree trunks. What, do you think they were jumping without muscles? And then if you get a work out shot of their arms and back and you realize that they could rip you in two with their bare hands. I am not here to decry delicate flowers, they have their place, but I have never seen a bouquet of tulips and thought it could tear my arms from my torso if I made it angry. So you know, figure skating is like that, it almost wants to make people forget through artistry and shiny costumes that these are remarkable athletes. I guess I am saying figure skaters don’t always get the respect they deserve, especially from sports fans. I respect them. I’ll be honest, the fact that Kailani Craine survived the endless death trap that I imagine Australia to be is impressive enough. She can also jump on ice while wearing a pretty dress? That’s too much talent for one person. Today I want to fuck Kailani Craine.
I wanted to say that time has been more than kind to Tara Lipinski but the more I think about it the more I think that maybe Tara Lipinski made time her bitch. It takes a special sort to look better at 36 than at 26 and I don’t know if it’s the same good genetics that causes someone to win a gold medal at 15 years old or if it’s a by product of being in amazing shape your entire life or some third thing I didn’t think of. All i know is that she really is impressive. I know she has a reputation for steely resolve and nerves of steel, which can be hard to reconcile with the 5 foot tall woman doing silly dances and making goofy jokes on my screen but I was such a mess at 15 that I couldn’t even have an innocuous conversation with someone I liked and not end up caught in my head for the next week I was a mess, so you probably have to be tough to win the gold over the favorite at the Olympics at 15. But more impressive than her winning the gold at 15 is what she has become since. I think perhaps the most impressive thing a person can do is transcend a moment of greatness early in their life and become known for something more later. Eclipsing the earlier thing. A gold medal is about as impressive as they come and for most people there isn’t a higher peak to climb. But 4 years ago I almost posted Tara Lipinski because she showed up on my TV and made figure skating captivating with her announcing. She and Johnny Weir might be the biggest breath of fresh air on my TV, they are hilarious and knowledgeable and intense and fun to look at and it’s just amazing. I can’t believe NBC was smart enough not just to hire them but suddenly give them more work. And it’s so good that I can only imagine in a decade Tara Lipinski will not be a gold medalist to most people, most people will only know her as half of the best pair of pop culture commentators in the world. And I guess I find that really impressive. That someone can be so good at two things. She just makes me laugh and I enjoy watching her and yeah, she’s gotten really hot int he past decade. I don’t know if dressing like an announcer for the hunger games makes her hotter or if I find her hot despite that. I can’t tall. But I love it. So maybe time hasn’t been kind to her, maybe she told time it can fuck convention, she’s just going to refuse to age and keep looking better. Because she bucks convention. Today I want to fuck Tara Lipinski.
So last night I sat around watching the Olympics on mute and listening to old British Rock bands on vinyl (the obvious pairing of course), just like every other red blooded American does. Anyway, my musings about do we listen to pop music because we’re miserable or are we miserable because we listen to pop music were derailed this morning when I saw a picture of Rowan Cheshire, whose name could only be more British if it was Nigel Pennyworth Cumberbatch IV, which I hate to reinforce gender roles and so one but would be a terrible name for a girl. So it’s probably the most British she personally could have. Anyway, here is where I do some scouting for you guys for tonight because the first part of the Women’s Ski Half-pipe is tonight for Americans. At some other time for godless heathens. Uh, like Rowan I guess. Anyway, she is just beautiful and sexy tattooed freestyle skiing badass and she reminds me a little of Alexis Ren. I don’t know what record to pair that with. My heart says 80’s training montage music but maybe Yakety Sax if you don’t like sports, that sounds hilarious. But the truth is if you can’t find some joy in the half-pipe, with the way they are able to get air and contort their bodies, then you’re a regular Ebenezer Catesbury Mudbottom (note, I cannot wait for your corrections about this name as you explain to me that also you’re not a classic, humorless Sir Hugh Hawthorne-Tittensor), which is well known to be the most curmudgeonly British name. Today I want to fuck Rowan Cheshire.
Who I want to Fuck Today 