Tag: Princess

So I spent last night reading an entire YA Star Wars novel because I am a huge dork.  I know, I know, I hide it well, you had no idea.  I am outing myself.  I love Star Wars.  Love it.  And the book was good, kind of like a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead of the Star Wars universe.  Except, you know, with out the existentialism.  Or the sort of satire and comedy.  Ok, so it was superficially that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead of the Star Wars universe. Anyway, I liked it and I loved the ways it sort of brushed against the characters I loved.  One of those was Princess Leia and it was very interesting to see how others in the universe regarded her but maybe the most informative thing about her was how people reacted to Darth Vader.  Fear.  Like barely able to hold it together fear, entire bodies went cold when he was present.  Which makes sense.  But remember, Leia didn’t do this.  Instead she told him off, claiming only he could be so bold and then telling him he was the one who was going to be in trouble when the Senate found out.  A giant slug dude was a creep so she strangled him with a chain.  When I tag this and I have to categorize her what do I put?  Princess? Diplomat? Politician?  General?  Rebel?  there’s too much and she did most of that before she was 25.  It’s amazing.  Look, she’s a character I love and part of a thing I love and given what she did to the slug that objectified her I am on thin ice but today I want to fuck Princess Leia.

I was thinking about Princess Peach last night because I was playing Mario Kart.  This is because of course, I rule at Saturday Nights.  Don’t try to live my lifestyle, kids, it’s too fast for most people, you wouldn’t be able to keep up with the pace, I’ve seen it destroy many a life.  Anyway, I was playing Mario Kart (and aside does anyone else have a WiiU?  I know people are down on it and all but i love mine because I got it to play Mario games and I get to play Mario games.  Hit me up if you want to play Mario Kart) and I was thinking about how complex these tracks are.  Then I was thinking about how unappreciated Princess Peach is.  Not by me, I always play as her because she’s great.  She can float in 3-D World and she has the prettiest outfit in Mario Kart.  And she can float in Smash Bros. too.  I just mean in general.  She pretty clearly is running the Mushroom Kingdom despite the fact that if she was the actual ruler of the Kingdom she would be Queen Peach, not Princess Peach.  It’s a kingdom, not a principality.  That means there is a deadbeat Dad out there making her do all of the work.  On top of that, this place is just bananas.  I don’t know how she holds it together given the incredibly stupid infrastructure spending going on.  Seriously, think about it: Kart tracks, Tennis Courts, Baseball Stadiums, Golf Course, entire Olympic facilities (though in fairness Sonic might host some of those).  Now, I guess Peach could be to blame for this or it could be her worthless Dad.  I am not sure who to blame but either way Peach is a genius.  I say this because I have seen nothing that looks like a modern economy in the Mushroom Kingdom.  At best you have merchants in little mushroom houses that give away one of three items.  That’s not much of a tax base.  And sure, really this is a Kingdom that could bulk up it’s defense budget because Bowser is attacking like every other day and they aren’t very good at stopping him.  But maybe they don’t have to be.  A single plumber always beats him.  That’s some clever budgeting and she is getting the money for all this other crap somewhere.  I don’t know, it went off the rails.  It’s like 2 AM or something.  The point is Peach is great and a little under appreciated.  I think.  I feel like a lot of this didn’t make sense looking back at it.  Oh right, Coins!  Coins!  It all makes sense if you think about the tremendous amount of gold Mario picks up every time out.  Like, just amazing amounts of gold.  Peach is setting herself up as the main driving force of the Mushroom Economy.  Don’t make things too hard for Bowser, he can kidnap her, Mario comes and rescues her.  No one to help Mario, certainly no plane or car or anything, so he has to take some long 8 world route to get there, gather a fortune in gold, rescue Peach and suddenly she has the funding for a new Battle Arena or Rhythmic Gymnastics Stadium.  It’s brilliant! Today I want to fuck Princess Peach.

I am going to just go ahead and start off by saying this is the strangest pick I have ever made.  I can’t imagine one stranger.  It is odd to sexualize cartoon characters but sometimes it happens.  It feels slightly wrong to do so to current cartoon characters because… they aren’t there for me, except Adventure Time is clearly in the game or trying to appeal to adults as well as kids.  And it is not a show with anything resembling realistic looking characters, they are purposefully simple and crudely drawn. Yet here is Princess Bubblegum because… I have thought about posting her a million times before and end up giving up in my picture search as my brain moves on.  It is hard to find good pictures to post of a character whose face is really just like two dots and a line.  Yes the character herself is so complex.  I think I am attracted to the subversion of the princess archetype. I have posted before about something in the collective subconscious that draws us to princesses.  And I stand but that but at the same time PB is not really anything like that, she is, except for the fact that she might be evil, or at least morally flexible as she considers knowledge more important than humanity, really more likely to be the rescuer than the rescued.  She is a scientist in a fantasy setting full of princesses and magical candy people.  She is smart, competent, and mature.  And since very early on I have found myself oddly attracted to her.  I don’t have an explanation for it.  I could go into a lot of stuff about her character, even if it is a feminist representation or not, how it is unique but honestly it would all feel a little like horse shit to me because the truth is… I just find her appealing and I don’t know why.  I mean this whole blog is an exercise in intellectualizing lust and trying to over think things but some things even I can’t convince myself of.  All I really know is today I want to fuck Princess Bubblegum.

Like most kids my age I really loved Super Mario Bros.  Actually, it goes back further than that, just plain Mario Bros was a favorite game for my Dad and I to play together at Chuck E Cheese’s.  We made an awesome team and I hate to say it but my dad may have missed his calling as a super plumber because he was pretty damn good at it.  Of course, Peach wasn’t really a thing then and then later she was a blob of pixels.  I don’t think anything to do with video games had to do with me being attracted to Peach. At least, not my love of certain games, I think it has much more to do with the fact that she’s a princess.  We are conditioned to like princesses from an early age, be it Fairy Tales, Video Games, Movies, there is a lesson that isn’t stated blatantly but is pretty clear that if you beat up a big enough bad guy you get to sleep with a princess.  Oh sure, in some things you only get to sleep with a normal girl but the best things involve princesses. Sometimes you have to beat ever more difficult bad guys, like 8 bosses or something before you get to the princess.  So deeply ingrained in us is that idea that sleeping with a princess must be pretty awesome.  We peasants have no idea, there are only a handful of these creatures around really and I have never actually beat up a bad guy that I can remember.  I mean, I guess it’s possible, like everyone there are one or two times in my early 20’s I ended up black out drunk but I doubt I beat up any bad guys and if I did I am pretty sure I didn’t sleep with any princesses.  I guess it’s possible but you think they would have left something behind like a glass slipper or a seashell bra or a talking tea cup or something, Princesses are notoriously forgetful like that. So I think that is why, among video games, I have always thought Peach was the most attractive character out there.  Or maybe something is wrong with me, I have only a couple times posted video game characters but I am always told it is odd. I get it (I mean, go looking for pictures, it’s a lot harder unless you want straight up porn, and even so.. well, you see the results, enjoy) but at the same time it doesn’t seem that odd to me, it’s all fantasy, the only reason Scarlet Johannson is more likely to end up in my bed one day is because she actually exists, not because there is some likelihood of us meeting and clicking.  So reality be damned, today I want to fuck Princess Peach.