Friday afternoon I discovered rhythmic gymnastics (my friend @wildflagsure claims it’s her favorite event but she never mentioned it to me so probably trying to ride my coattails here.  I discovered it).  Yeah, I discovered it.  I put a flag down and claimed it for America.  I’m the Columbus of the Olympics. Obviously I knew it was a thing and I feel like I must have seen it but maybe I only saw it in like… my old roommates anime and that shit drove me to irrational anger because anime does that.  Bullying makes no sense until someone is chortling at some kid getting a bloody nose because he saw panties.  Then every fiber of my being wants to give swirlies until someone drowns.  Anyway, I feel like I have never really watched it because I watched it and it is staggeringly beautiful.  Just amazing what a human body can do, not just athletic difficulty but to move so fluidly and gracefully.  I would not believe it possible had I not seen it.  Now, I don’t much care for judged sports.  I never trust something that requires judges and I don’t think I care for not being able to know if the judges are right or not.  Other sports I watch only every 4 years, it’s pretty simple. Handball, Field Hockey, et al. if the ball goes in the goal, they scored, the team that does that more wins.  I am missing many of the nuances but I don’t have to wonder who really won.  I watch this and except for the time a girl dropped the ball (which I hated, she looked like she wanted to die.  I hate that with judged sports, too, they require a level of perfection that makes a mistake, something much more recoverable in say, basketball or something, crushing and you get to see a person’s dreams die before you as the camera focuses on them just sitting there looking either numb or ready to die) I have no idea who was better than someone else.  They were all amazing.  I would have given them all 10’s, again having no idea what the highest score is, I would have just given 10’s across the board, even for the girl who dropped the ball because shit, I drop the mustard bottle making a sandwich at least once a week.  Can you imagine if someone ran into my kitchen and slapped my sandwich out of my hand and told me I don’t get to eat for 4 years and then I’ll probably be too old so how about I go fuck myself?  No, she gets a 10 as well. Anyway, this is only a little bit about how I want to turn medals into participation ribbons when I feel bad for people, it’s mainly about national security. Yana Kudryavtseva took the silver and given she is an absolutely beautiful Russian Olympian I have to assume she is a spy set on bringing down democracy and making us live on a steady diet of government cheese and vodka.  And here’s the thing guys, I am worried about.  I mean, obviously as an expert, I owned Live and Let Die and For Your Eyes Only on VHS as a kid and have seen each one like 20 times at least, I understand the advantage of say a long jumper like Darya Klishina to the spy game.  I assume our secret bases are loaded with chasms with swinging blades and stuff and she has to jump across them to turn off the switch and let the other communists across to steal our freedom.  I get that but it’s also very counterable, just make the chasms wider or put like spikes on the other side or something.  Threat thwarted!  But this stuff?  I couldn’t take my eyes off the Rhythmic Gymnastics and she’s the second best in the world at it?  Just give her a hula hoop and we’re doomed.  She can just do her routine in front of a bunch guards and Ivan Stealavich and Natasha Communisinski can just waltz in and take whatever and we’ll never notice because we’ll just be enraptured.  I can’t think of a way to counter it so probably the only option is for some amazingly charming westerner to sleep with her so she’ll see the error of her ways.  It works a lot.  Or after she’ll try to kill said Westerner.  One of the two, either way because I am basically a hero.  I am volunteering for the sake of humanity.  Today I want to fuck Yana Kudryavtseva.