Tag: Avril Lavigne

I like when I get surprised by who I pick. Like, in no way was Avril Lavigne even on my radar yesterday. I am not great at knowing what tomorrow will bring anyway but had I put money down on who was likely to show up Avril wasn’t going to be there. Because Avril Lavigne hardly shows up in my life. Out of Sight out of Mind and all that. But then she was at a charity event for the Race to Erase MS and she looked good and so here she is. It’s always nice. And she looked good, though thanks to the internet when I see her in a dress now all I can think is, “Someone on the internet thinks that’s not the real Avril Lavigne because they think the real Avril would never wear a dress”. It’s a weird world we live in guys. Today I want to fuck Avril Lavigne.

The internet is a strange and wonderful place, guys.  Strange and wonderful. So in my perpetual pursuit of enlightenment yesterday I discovered there is a persistent and wide spread internet conspiracy theory that Avril Lavigne is dead.  No one can agree on when exactly she died but they are sure she did and she was replaced by someone named Melissa.  This might sound strange to you but they have pretty strong evidence in that Avril used to wear pants a lot more often.  This is true.  I was there at the start, stocking her CDs in the front of the store display when her first record came out.  She wore pants a lot. People were outraged.  Not cause of the pants but because of the whole look. The whole fake punk thing.  Looking at it now not only does it look dated as hell, it’s also just kind of adorable.  She looks like a kid playing dress up because she was basically a kid playing dress up.  She was like 18 when her first album came out, she wore giant pants and ties.  It was a look.  It might seem funny to you guys now but give it 15 years and then look at your favorite stars of today.  You’ll cringe.  Trust me.  Anyway, the fact that she doesn’t dress the same in her 30’s as she did at 18 is strong proof she is dead and replaced by a body double.  That is the theory.  She got so famous that she hired a look alike so she didn’t have to deal with her fans.  Then the real Avril died and the record label just decided to keep using the look alike.  I feel bad for the look alike who apparently has to now live a lie for ever and apparently no one is looking for her?  Like her family and friends just shrugged and never ask, “Hey, remember our daughter Melissa who looked just like Avril Lavigne?  Has anyone seen her this decade? No?  Weird, me either.  Oh well, pass the popular Canadian condiment we all use.  I assume some form of seasoned snow.  Pass the seasoned snow please.  That’s some good seasoned snow, eh?"  Those Canadians, they don’t want to cause a ruckus over a missing person or anything, that would be impolite. Anyway, I have my own theory about pants.  See, as I advanced in my career I started working from home more and you know what I stopped doing?  Wearing pants.  Or shirts.  Or really almost anything because I am home alone and fuck you, I’ll wear whatever I want, which is almost nothing.  Now, you might point out this theory makes no sense but hey, it seems as reasonable to me.  Man, what’s wrong with the internet, here I have unimpeachable evidence that Candice Swanepoel is stalking me (and now Ellie Roswell, too) and there is nothing on the internet about it.  And I know evidence because I am an expert in the law.  It doesn’t come up a lot but I have watched at least half of six episodes of Law and Order over the years, so I know what constitutes an air tight case and mine is it.  This fake Avril thing is not it.  Anyway, this is a long way of getting to my main point, which is Avril Lavigne has always been pretty hot. If she has a secret twin that’s just good news, we can always use a little more beauty in the world.  Today I want to fuck Avril Lavigne.

I have posted Avril Lavigne once before but it’s been a long time and most of my thoughts on the whole thing can be found here.  I am only linking it because honestly my thoughts haven’t really changed.  Boxcar is playing through my head as I pick pictures of her.  People probably spent way too much time outraged by what was really the rise of hot topic.  There are so many discussions about authenticity and how the counter culture is always, always, always repackaged and sold back to us one day.  And how it’s never that authentic to begin with because it’s always a carefully crafted thing.  I also always remember this one interview once where someone confronted her about the punk criticisms to which she replied, “Fuck you, I never said I was punk”.  And when I read that I was like, “That’s a pretty punk response”.  But that’s why I linked the other one, I am not really here because of 2002.  I’m here because it’s 2016 and somehow she still keeps coming up.  I don’t mean that derisively, I mean that in the sense that like, I can’t think of anything she has done in a very long time that warrants a lot of fame but she seems to come up in conversation all the time.  Like her level of fame is way higher than it seems like it logically should be.  And I can’t figure out why.  I did find some info of a study that said she is the 6th most recognizable musician in the world and easily the most recognizable Canadian.  Which is insane.  I have no idea why.  Of course, it says something that I was about to make a joke and say, “What about famous Canadian X” and couldn’t think of anyone.  So my top theories are these: she and that whole burst of pop punk and hot topic kids in that 3 year period had a huge impact on people of a certain age.  Not me but like maybe 5 years younger than me.  So she was just so important to a bunch of people born in like 1984.  My second theory is some vast Canadian conspiracy.  I have read more than enough X-Men comics to know the Canadian government is evil to it’s core.  I am not sure which is likely so if anyone has some knowledge drop it on me, because whoever is doing this they are likely the reason why today I want to fuck Avril Lavigne

When Avril Lavigne broke I was working in a record store part time at nights and I was kind of ashamed of finding her attractive because she was basically packaged artifice of a sub culture I had grown up in.  But she was hot.  And I liked Complicated.  Ok, well not the whole song but the chorus, the chorus is pretty fucking fantastic.  It just is.  I mean it’s not punk but… no wait, we aren’t going down that road.  The thing is it is silly to be ashamed of being attracted of someone, I’m older and I know that. Not that I think of her like ever anymore but she popped in my head and it was a reminder that even though I am not even sure if anyone cares about her anymore… yeah she’s attractive.  So, you know.. I guess what I am saying is today I want to fuck Avril Lavigne.