The internet is a strange and wonderful place, guys.  Strange and wonderful. So in my perpetual pursuit of enlightenment yesterday I discovered there is a persistent and wide spread internet conspiracy theory that Avril Lavigne is dead.  No one can agree on when exactly she died but they are sure she did and she was replaced by someone named Melissa.  This might sound strange to you but they have pretty strong evidence in that Avril used to wear pants a lot more often.  This is true.  I was there at the start, stocking her CDs in the front of the store display when her first record came out.  She wore pants a lot. People were outraged.  Not cause of the pants but because of the whole look. The whole fake punk thing.  Looking at it now not only does it look dated as hell, it’s also just kind of adorable.  She looks like a kid playing dress up because she was basically a kid playing dress up.  She was like 18 when her first album came out, she wore giant pants and ties.  It was a look.  It might seem funny to you guys now but give it 15 years and then look at your favorite stars of today.  You’ll cringe.  Trust me.  Anyway, the fact that she doesn’t dress the same in her 30’s as she did at 18 is strong proof she is dead and replaced by a body double.  That is the theory.  She got so famous that she hired a look alike so she didn’t have to deal with her fans.  Then the real Avril died and the record label just decided to keep using the look alike.  I feel bad for the look alike who apparently has to now live a lie for ever and apparently no one is looking for her?  Like her family and friends just shrugged and never ask, “Hey, remember our daughter Melissa who looked just like Avril Lavigne?  Has anyone seen her this decade? No?  Weird, me either.  Oh well, pass the popular Canadian condiment we all use.  I assume some form of seasoned snow.  Pass the seasoned snow please.  That’s some good seasoned snow, eh?"  Those Canadians, they don’t want to cause a ruckus over a missing person or anything, that would be impolite. Anyway, I have my own theory about pants.  See, as I advanced in my career I started working from home more and you know what I stopped doing?  Wearing pants.  Or shirts.  Or really almost anything because I am home alone and fuck you, I’ll wear whatever I want, which is almost nothing.  Now, you might point out this theory makes no sense but hey, it seems as reasonable to me.  Man, what’s wrong with the internet, here I have unimpeachable evidence that Candice Swanepoel is stalking me (and now Ellie Roswell, too) and there is nothing on the internet about it.  And I know evidence because I am an expert in the law.  It doesn’t come up a lot but I have watched at least half of six episodes of Law and Order over the years, so I know what constitutes an air tight case and mine is it.  This fake Avril thing is not it.  Anyway, this is a long way of getting to my main point, which is Avril Lavigne has always been pretty hot. If she has a secret twin that’s just good news, we can always use a little more beauty in the world.  Today I want to fuck Avril Lavigne.