Sometimes I post kind of obscure people here but this is the first time it’s been so obscure I had to go look up the names. Not the spelling but like… hey, what are their names again? It’s also why I have grainy pictures, which makes sense because it’s like pausing an old VHS movie when you realize your bladder is about to burst. Sometimes I am surprised by how these obscure trips to the wayback machines prove popular but I am guessing right now this post gets like no attention. Now, I am a horror fan, I think people know that and that means I have seen a just a mountain of mediocre to bad movies that are forgettable except for just one or two things that stick with you. Like, everyone remembers the Antler death in Silent Night, Deadly Night or Linnea Quigley’s boobs in… whichever movie you liked best when she popped her top. See, boobs are still considered a big part of horror and they always were. It seems a little silly now when they take time out for a girl to get naked and honestly even sillier when someone complains that no one got naked in a horror movie because… boobs are everywhere. It’s not just because I am an adult (though I won’t lie, my boob access is much, much higher now than it was when I was a teenager) it’s because the world has changed. There was a point where seeing a girl topless required more than opening your laptop. Your options were pretty much someone’s dad having a 10 year old playboy, somehow convincing a real live girl to show them to you (this was more heard of than actually experienced by most people), or watching movies on premium cable channels. Which brings us to Night of the Demons 2. The movie is notable for… well, it’s not notable at all. I am sure many horror fans have seen and liked it but I don’t think there is much to distinguish it but Cristi Harris’ breasts and Zoe Trilling’s breasts. Those two girls are basically why I remember this movie fondly and am re-watching it as I type (scratch that, I am re-watching it for nostalgia but I am pretty sure my adoration of this movie is rooted in teenage memories of boobs). Both of them are very pretty and have been in a few bad horror movies but this movie… maybe it’s just that I was 15 but I was pretty sure Zoe Trilling especially was the hottest thing I had ever seen at one point in my life. That one point was probably like 2 AM on a Saturday in my Dad’s basement but there was that point. There isn’t a lot to go into here Zoe Trilling played the bitch slut mean girl who is a requirement to get the plot going and of course ends up possessed by demons and Cristi Harris played the nice girl who… still gets naked early on (And yeah, Ben Stiller’s wife was totally in it to. She was also in Hey Dude! For most people that means nothing but for a very specific group of people it will be, “Oh fuck, I remember Hey Dude!). For whatever reason they did it for me and I am watching the movie and it’s like, man, the internet needs to know these two girls who basically disappeared from the world’s eye 15 years ago were really hot. So, yeah, today I want to fuck Cristi Harris and Zoe Trilling.
Tag: Actress
Sometimes I find myself wondering what it is about Annie Edison. I mean, obviously Alison Brie is some sort of magic creation in a lab because no one can possibly be so funny, charming, and sexy all at once just by an accidental quirk of nature, some sort of twisted science must be involved, right? But Annie Edison seems to be part of her appeal, that character has caught the imagination. I mean, I don’t see a bunch of Trudy Campbell gifs all over the internet and Mad Men is a great show as well as Community, just different. I guess part of it must lie in the fact that sitcoms always, by necessity have to play with comedic archetypes. The sort of repressed A personality type who is naive and innocent while possessing a clearly high sex drive is certainly a subset of the classic type and I think it might have a special appeal to nerds. Maybe there is some easy fantasy fodder in the idea of the sweet, pretty girl striving near us if we can imagine secretly she’s just waiting for someone to come and sweep her off her feet and turn her into a wild animal. Or maybe it’s just that they seem to find a way to make her boobs jiggle on the show and I am way, way over thinking this. I like to think it’s a combination. Lots of boobs jiggle not all of those boobs get devoted internet followings posting dozens of gifs every Friday morning (though I guess it will be Saturday now, how odd…). I have to feel like that’s because not every set of boobs has Alison Brie’s performance behind it, the woman is undeniably attractive and undeniably skilled at what she does. I think it’s easy to take a picture of a pretty girl and stoke some desire, it is different to be able to stoke a following out of it. I think there has to be more appealing than the physicality of the girl for a long term passion to settle in. I think obviously this is why Alison Brie has her legion of devotees and it is definitely why today I want to fuck Alison Brie.
Sometimes there is a sweetness or heart to a movie that means even if it isn’t a great movie you find yourself kind of wanting to hug it. I am not an expert on film by any stretch but I often feel like this comes from the performances, talented actors can take slight or standard material and fill it with that extra something to make you connect to it. Yesterday I went to see Safety Not Guaranteed and I enjoyed it. The biggest reason was Aubrey Plaza who I thought did an excellent job of taking her standard comic persona she has become known for and tweaking it, taking what we expect from it and going another way, adding a lot of heart to what at it’s core is a love story. She managed to be thorny but also tender and vulnerable. She’s always funny and she’s always pretty but in this she also was a little something extra. That’s really what many entries tend to be about, people who add something extra, that something that sticks with you. That’s what this one is about, today I want to fuck Aubrey Plaza.
I watch a lot of horror movies, which if you have been following me I figure you have heard me say before. For some reason every year when AMC has Fearfest I watch AMC a ton. I don’t know why they are all movies I have seen before or own or could watch on Netflix so… I watch them edited for TV with commercials? It doesn’t make any sense but the fact that they are on TV feels like a win, it probably stems from the fact that when I was a kid there was no Netflix and VHS tapes were like $80 each, so when horror was on TV it was a pretty big win. So they are playing Halloween 4 which got me thinking about Danielle Harris. I should be clear, though she is like 10 in the movie I am not thinking of her that way, it just is a one thing lead to another situation. She’s a horror icon at this point so if you love horror you know her and likely have an opinion on her. I happen to like her a lot and always have a soft spot for the people who have spent years making the thankless movies I love. She also is really attractive. So here she is an it feels so appropriate for October, the second leading lady of the Halloween series is making an appearance, today I want to fuck Danielle Harris.
I don’t know why I find Kristen Bell to be so perfect exactly but I do. I mean, there is a lot I can list about her that would go a long way to describing what I like about her but it doesn’t entirely describe it, does it? The first picture here is my desktop as I write this, when I discovered that upon starting up my computer it put a smile on my face, Kristen Bell just makes me smile instinctively. I think this is the magic of fandom, when we really care about something it does just bring us happiness. Well, most of the time, certainly there is a darker side where it doesn’t but I do my best to avoid that and certainly Kristen Bell brings me only happiness. Which is pretty awesome. And there are lots of things I could list from her talent to her skill to her charisma but it doesn’t really quite explain it. So I’ll just say she does, I have a well documented crush on Kristen Bell and today I want to fuck Kristen Bell.
Some fantasies just seem to take up permanent residence in our imaginations. I think we all have that, something that is just there. For some people it’s more vague and thus becomes just a fetish, like you really like getting spanked and so any spanking is something you enjoy. For some it gets really specific and strange and this is probably still a fetish but you aren’t likely to find a lot of people who share your burning desire to be hit in the face with a pie by a clown riding a donkey. But we all have at least one and I bet most of us have a few, things our mind just wanders too. One of mine is hardly unique and maybe isn’t the most exotic but I really like Blake Lively and Leighton Messter together. I mean, with me as well, though that isn’t entirely a deal breaker, just watching them kiss would be ok, too, just not as ok. None of this has any real point, no deeper meaning, they just go together like peanut butter and jelly in my mind and today I want to fuck Blake Lively and Leighton Meester.
So AMC is currently playing 8 Legged Freaks for it’s Fearfest. I will put aside the fact that every year I watch a lot of Fearfest despite like 99% of the movies being ones I have seen before. It’s a sickness, a horror movie is on TV and it suddenly feels special because it’s on TV, even if say, I could stream the same movie on Netflix. The important thing here though isn’t spiders or the fact that I have seen a David Arquette movie like 15 times (it’s not the only one, thanks Scream franchise), the point here is it has a pre fame Scarlett Johansson. She is not pre hot however. I can’t be 100% certain as things get lost in the haze of memories but I think this was the second thing I ever saw her in, I know the first was Ghost World. I adore this movie, it is fun, and Scarlett is just very nice looking. It’s always like a little prize when someone from a horror movie later emerges as a major league actor but the prize just doubles here because she’s so pleasant to look at. So, it’s that simple, I’m watching this and we’ve just passed into a new day and I can confidently say that today I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.
It is a little funny to me that to so many people still think of Ellie Kemper as “the blow job girl” or some variation of that. I guess in part because I somehow missed that whole video when everyone was watching it (I’m human, I keep up pretty well but no one can see everything when it’s new) and so for me that was something to watch after she was on the office and everyone said, “Hey, it’s the blow job girl”. I guess we put people in boxes like that but in this case it seems so very limiting. I feel like I have been reading the onion my whole life but more likely only since Tower Records started selling it in the 90’s, but she writes for the Onion. When McSweeney’s started publishing it’s quarterly I thought I was in heaven and of course she has written for that. I am actually currently digging through old Nerdists episodes and am on hers and she is just so funny. I mean she’s a talented woman (UCB people are like, always amazing though) but then so many people are, it’s interesting how we fix them in our minds to one job or one thing and that’s who they become to us. Anyway, none of that has much to do with anything, I happen to find her very funny, impressively talented, and attractive so today I want to fuck Ellie Kemper.
Lucy Punch is generally new to me. I have actually seen a few movies she’s been in but clearly they didn’t stand out that much (I remember her in Bad Teacher but that was kind of a thankless role). The reason she is here today is because she’s on the new sitcom Ben & Kate is she is god damned fantastic. I mean, clearly everything is in the right place but I know the reason I am attracted to her is because she is hilarious. I mean just awesome. Every episode so far the best scene has belong to her, she is just amazing. This happens sometimes, talent trumps all. Being good at stuff is actually sexy (this is a tip for teenagers out there, by the way, that I wish someone had told me at 15. If you’re having trouble getting dates it’s ok, we’ve all been there. Rather than becoming bitter, which is actually not attractive, work on yourself. Read a book, play a sport, get a hobby, being good at something, being knowledgeable about something, just standing out in some way makes you a lot more fun to be around and thus infinitely more dateable). So she’s pretty but she’s here because she’s funny enough to blow me away every week, which in turn makes me think about her and like her more and then… here we are, she shows up here. It’s how this thing works sometimes. She impresses me enough that actually every week I suddenly get this impression to tell a friend how funny she is just because Lucy Punch is British and so is my friend. I am not sure why that happens, perhaps being American and my strange sense of the world? It’s not like I’m calling her mom to tell her she should be proud of her, I’m sending an instant message to someone who just happens to have been born in the same country. I guess I have strange ideas about England? I mean, I’ve been there, I know it isn’t Knights and Dragons anymore but for some reason I keep imagining it some strange cross between a Dicken’s novel and Mary Poppings. (And yes, I have started imagining my friend rushing out of her house to tell her chimney sweep friend, “ ‘Allo mate, spread the chuffin’ word ter the bloody tahn crier, I ‘ave news for the village. A gentleman from American ‘as informed me ‘e finds out fellow country bint Lucy Punch ter be funny. Quick, we must ‘old a feast day and dance ’round the maypole! Blimey! God Chas’n’Dave the Queen! Struth”. Or… something like that). Anyway, Lucy Punch is awesome, I had strange ideas about the British but am undeniably attracted to them, so today I want to fuck Lucy Punch.
I am not sure why I don’t think of Lea Michele much anymore. I mean, part of it is I don’t watch Glee anymore and out of sight out of mind. Past that though, I don’t know if it’s because I just moved on as I am wont to do with celebrities or if the fact that Glee went from loved to actively disliked dragged her down with it. Certainly I still find everything visually appealing about her and her voice is still tremendous (even though I rarely hear it now). And now I am talking like I dislike her, I don’t. If you were to stop me on the street and ask me if she was hot I would say yes! She doesn’t light up my fantasies like she once did, I never find myself just thinking about Lea Michele. But here she is today? Why? External factors, I saw a nice picture of her and remembered that yeah, I used to really like her. I know this feeling now is mainly nostalgia but I’ll ride it and admit that today I want to fuck Lea Michele.
Who I want to Fuck Today 