Tag: retrocrush

I have posted Jane Fonda before and it was pretty much for the exact same reason. Barbarella.  Barbarella is a horrible piece of schlock that is supposed to be erotic but ends up being laughable buuuuut…. it must work on some level cause the only time I am ever attracted to Jane Fonda is when I am watching Barbarella.  I am not sure if it’s the costumes or the nostalgia or what.  But there is definitely something that makes me really attracted to her.  I don’t honestly know if anyone will agree with me.  I mean, someone will, the movie has lasted as a cultural touchstone of a sort for a reason, I just mean I am not sure any of my followers will.  To which I’d say… uh, that’s cool I guess?  Sometimes I like dress up.  I happen to really like the ridiculous aesthetic of this 60’s sci-fi.  Plus I mean, she looks really good.  And… jeez, I dunno, I couldn’t help it, the movie was just there, suggest for me to “watch it again” and I couldn’t sleep so I did.  Blame Netflix for the fact that today I want to fuck Jane Fonda.

There is this movie the Uninvited that is pretty universally praised by critics as a very scary horror movie.  It wasn’t available on DVD for years and I looked once and then kind of just forgot about it.  It is finally out, someone somewhere mentioned it, I watched it.  It was pretty solid, I wouldn’t say scary but it took the supernatural and it’s frights seriously, which is definitely unique for it’s time.  One thing that stood out to me though was the very pretty girl in the movie.  The actress’ name was Gail Russell but she was not familiar to me.  I was kind of confused because she was pretty and I thought she did a pretty good job.  Now, I knew the studio system could chew people up and spit them out but it usually gave them a bunch of films in rapid succession if any were good so I looked a little deeper.  It seems poor, sad Gail was a victim of alcoholism.  She started drinking on the Uninvited, only her second movie when she was just 20, and never stopped really.  I was looking for pictures and I noticed I was having a hard time finding ones where she looked as nice as she did in the movie, thus I threw in a pair of screen shots.  It turns out her alcoholism famously took not just her talent but her looks.  She was dead by 36 thanks to liver damage.  It’s pretty tragic and sad.  Kind of a depressing thing to write about but that’s how it works sometimes, celebrity life is glamorous but it doesn’t do a lot of good to ignore that sometimes there is a darker side.  This can be a chance to remember the promising talent she once was though, she was very pretty.  I will remember her that way.  Today I want to fuck Gail Russell.

I was rewatching Star Wars because… I realized I actually have not sat down and watched Star Wars in years and years.  And by Star Wars I mean New Hope and then Empire and then Jedi.  When I was a kid I used to watch them so often it was ridiculous but you know… something happened to cool my passion.  We’ll not mention those though, I am sure there are people with fond memories of such things.  Anyway, watching it got me thinking about Carrie Fisher because… I mean do I have to explain it?  She’s in the movies. Little role called Princess Leia.  You may have noticed all of these pictures are of her as Leia.  Leia who is all kinds of cool because she was the fairy tale damsel in distress of course but she was also a badass who would grab a gun and shoot and managed to not flinch when staring down Space Nazis.  So that’s pretty cool.  But Carrie Fisher is like 10 kinds of cool as well in part because she was no Princess Leia.  It turns out that the late 70’s were a bad time to become hyper famous and starting hanging out in apartments made of actual cocaine with Saturday Night Live cast members if you were an undiagnosed bipolar.  But you know, things may have gotten derailed somewhere along the way but she faced down her demons and lived to tell the tale.  That’s pretty fucking badass, too, especially when you realized no magical old men, Wookies, or twin brothers were going to show up to bail her out of this one.  The result is now she is pretty hilarious and interesting to listen to and to read.  She is funny, she is interesting, she is pretty cool.  And man, in the early 1980’s when I walked into a movie theater with my dad?  I thought she was maybe the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.  So today I want to fuck Carrie Fisher.

So my Christmas themed horror movie run has brought me up to the original Black Christmas and here I am posting as a result of it.  Just like I did with the remake.  Maybe there is some formula there that appeals to me and I don’t even realize it.  For those who are curious I placed our 12 movies in order of worst to best (based on the scientific ranking of how good I remember them being). Which is why this is here later.  Anyway, I really didn’t expect this to cause any sort of posting because I really just remembered Magot Kidder being in it.  I have nothing against Lois Lane and all, just didn’t think I’d post her.  And I was right.  I forgot Juliet was in it.  See, if you watched Romeo and Juliet because you didn’t read the play (or because you are a nerd and loved reading it so much you wanted to see the movie like I did) this is likely who you saw as Juliet.  Or you just read sparknotes.  We ddin’t have that out in my day.  We had cliff notes but… well, anyway, she has a very, very pretty face.  I remember finding her very attractive as Juliet.  I thought maybe it was because there was boob and I was like 14 and boobs will do that to 14 year olds.  But I was wrong, as an adult i realize it’s because she’s British and everyone knows that’s my thing now.  Also because she i just really very pretty.  I think she has a gorgeous face.   And I always have a weakness for the final girl.  So today I want to fuck Olivia Hussey.

What I really know about Betty Brosmer is that she’s really pretty.  I don’t know a lot more about that.  I know she claims the title of world’s first Supermodel but… she’s not the only one to make that claim.  It’s silly, she certainly counts as a supermodel which is good enough.  She seems to have done well for herself since she started Shape Magazine and is still writing for it all these years later.  She’s uh.. single these days.  And 78 so maybe I have a shot?  I don’t know, she pops up on my dash a lot these days after never doing so before a few months ago.  I don’t know why but clearly it has influenced me and today I want to fuck Betty Brosmer.

So there is an entire genre of movie out there that if not gone is pretty fringe but once upon a time was a pretty big deal.  These were movies that were steeped in eroticism for it’s own purpose, the type of movie varied but it was pretty popular in horror, especially the sort of Gothic Horror that Hammer Films traded in.  Blood and Bosoms it was referred to.  There was not a lot of gore but a lot of moments of tension filled with eroticism, it was there for a reason and it’s because these movies always appealed to teens and frankly porn was damn hard to find.  Now, with my generation porn was still hard to find, all we had was our imagination and memories of the time Dana L. spent what seemed like an hour bend over trying to pick up the badminton birdie in gym class.  Well, that and the movie channels.  I was lucky enough to have a dad who for some reason bought all the movie channels when they were part of a free trial and then never got rid of them.  Now there were a few different types, there was the tittie movie, which was a flimsy plot about a car wash or a girl trying to get into fashion or something but really existed to have all the female cast members strip out of their tops and jump on beds every few minutes.  Then there were these throwbacks which seemed classier and somehow were more titillating while showing less.  My favorite was the Vampire Lovers which I couldn’t even understand how it was tweaking my little 14 year old brain but i knew I loved it.  Ingrid Pitt was the star and dripped with sensuality in a way that plastic blondes on trampolines could only dream of.  She was of course a Vampire and went around seducing women.  I was pretty sure two girls kissing was the greatest thing I ever saw.  Pretty sure.  I taped it just in case and rewatched it a few times just to make sure.  I was pretty dedicated to the science of what was the greatest thing ever.  I’m not a hero, I just care about knowledge.  Anyway, I was talking to someone about it and how great Ingrid Pitt was and is and you know sometimes I take a trip in the wayback machine.  Today is one of those days because today I want to fuck Ingrid Pitt.

Here are a few random things about Veronica Lake: when you think of the sultry look of the 40’s, especially the hair, there is a very good chance you are thinking of her, she was a fantastic Femme Fatale, she was very short, she had a reputation of being a raging bitch and sometimes violent.  Here is a random fact about me, all of those things make me more attracted to her.  Yes, all of them.  One of my favorite things is film noir, it just… speaks to me in a way that our favorite things do.  For those that don’t know film noir, among it’s other traits, is often visually striking, the lighting and the mood the visuals set are amazing.  It only helps someone as pretty as Veronica Lake to be in such very pretty movies.  I could tell you lots about her but you either A) don’t care and thus have scrolled past B) care a lot and found this by searching her tag in which case I am not teaching you anything.  Seriously though, that face… that hair… she was gorgeous, even if her life was burdened by troubles.  Anyway, my retrocrush picks always prove really unpopular so I assume you aren’t reading at this point.  Fine, I get her all to myself.  Today I want to fuck Veronica Lake.

Let’s get this out of the way first, this post is pretty much 100% about and because of Barbarella, which I am sitting through for reasons I cannot entirely explain besides, “Because”.  See, between partying with Ho Chi Min and making workout videos and marrying Ted Turner, Jane Fonda was an actress and for those of you who don’t know Barbarella is a movie that I am pretty sure exists so teens had something to masturbate to before scrambled porn.  I could be off but since it makes pretty much zero sense and is pretty much Fonda as a naive and easily seducable space nymphet chasing a McGuffin in various states of undresses and sexy space outfits I assume that’s the point.  Anyway, I remember seeing it as a teen who had grown bored of scrambled porn and about the general impression I had was, “Jane Fonda was hot in that movie”.  I am watching it and… I was right.  The movie is worse than I would have realized or admitted at 13 but Jane Fonda is pretty hot.  So there we go, today I want to fuck Jane Fonda.

There is a generation for which Phoebe Cates getting out of a swimming pool in a red bikini was a sexual awakening.  I am not part of that generation, I was alive when Fast Times came out but barely.  That said, Gremlins was awesome and I rematching it right now because it is awesome and it’s almost Christmas (You know it’s a Christmas movie, right?)  Now, I am not sure what my dad was thinking letting me watch it at like 5 years old because the movie is fucking terrifyingly violent.  Why did it not scare the shit out of me?  I have no clue but I loved it and love it still, and while I was too young for any sort of awakenings there definitely were some crush like feelings for Phoebe Cates.  We have taken some trips in the wayback machine a few times here before and the prove to be amazingly unpopular.  I am interested to see if the same proves true because there are a TON of gifs of someone getting out of a pool in a red bikini when I check her tag, so someone must agree with me when I say today I want to fuck Phoebe Cates.

Sometimes I post kind of obscure people here but this is the first time it’s been so obscure I had to go look up the names.  Not the spelling but like… hey, what are their names again?  It’s also why I have grainy pictures, which makes sense because it’s like pausing an old VHS movie when you realize your bladder is about to burst.  Sometimes I am surprised by how these obscure trips to the wayback machines prove popular but I am guessing right now this post gets like no attention.  Now, I am a horror fan, I think people know that and that means I have seen a just a mountain of mediocre to bad movies that are forgettable except for just one or two things that stick with you.  Like, everyone remembers the Antler death in Silent Night, Deadly Night or Linnea Quigley’s boobs in… whichever movie you liked best when she popped her top.  See, boobs are still considered a big part of horror and they always were.  It seems a little silly now when they take time out for a girl to get naked and honestly even sillier when someone complains that no one got naked in a horror movie because… boobs are everywhere.  It’s not just because I am an adult (though I won’t lie, my boob access is much, much higher now than it was when I was a teenager) it’s because the world has changed.  There was a point where seeing a girl topless required more than opening your laptop.  Your options were pretty much someone’s dad having a 10 year old playboy, somehow convincing a real live girl to show them to you (this was more heard of than actually experienced by most people), or watching movies on premium cable channels.  Which brings us to Night of the Demons 2.  The movie is notable for… well, it’s not notable at all.  I am sure many horror fans have seen and liked it but I don’t think there is much to distinguish it but Cristi Harris’ breasts and Zoe Trilling’s breasts.  Those two girls are basically why I remember this movie fondly and am re-watching it as I type (scratch that, I am re-watching it for nostalgia but I am pretty sure my adoration of this movie is rooted in teenage memories of boobs).  Both of them are very pretty and have been in a few bad horror movies but this movie… maybe it’s just that I was 15 but I was pretty sure Zoe Trilling especially was the hottest thing I had ever seen at one point in my life.  That one point was probably like 2 AM on a Saturday in my Dad’s basement but there was that point.  There isn’t a lot to go into here Zoe Trilling played the bitch slut mean girl who is a requirement to get the plot going and of course ends up possessed by demons and Cristi Harris played the nice girl who… still gets naked early on (And yeah, Ben Stiller’s wife was totally in it to.  She was also in Hey Dude! For most people that means nothing but for a very specific group of people it will be, “Oh fuck, I remember Hey Dude!).  For whatever reason they did it for me and I am watching the movie and it’s like, man, the internet needs to know these two girls who basically disappeared from the world’s eye 15 years ago were really hot.  So, yeah, today I want to fuck Cristi Harris and Zoe Trilling.