Category: Uncategorized

Here is Alison Brie who hasn’t shown up in almost a year which is just a crime.  But it’s because Community was gone.  It’s not quite back yet of course but clearly the universe is getting ready for it’s return because Alison Brie has just popped up all over the place in front of me recently. I mean not literally but… well you know, you get idioms, right?  Anyway, I could talk about the return of Community as to why she is here but the truth is she is just really hot and looks good in these pictures so she’s here today.  Today I want to fuck Alison Brie.

So my dear tumblr friend femalecelebrityoftheday posted about the Brits yesterday and said he didn’t know who won.  For the record I am pretty sure Taylor Swift won.  Her dress was amazing.  She isn’t here though cause the day after the Brits I spent my time watching Australian spy shows and that took precedence.  And today I am thinking about Holly Willoughby, who looked good also, though her dress wasn’t special.  She is just very pretty.  I happen to be a fan of very pretty.  So here are pretty picture of her.  Blah blah pretty.  Today I want to fuck Holly Willoughby.

So Netflix has been suggesting this thing for me called Danger 5.  It looked pretty stupid so I watched it and it turns out to be pretty stupid in the most perfect way.  It is about a group of 5 spies who are battling Hitler and fighting his evil schemes and basically it is a show that feels like it was exactly made for me.  I am still not convinced it’s real.  It might have been a fever dream.  Anyway, as I was clicking on it I was like, “That blonde girl is pretty cute”.  As I watched the first episode I was like, “That blonde girl is pretty hot”.  It all made sense because she also appeared to be British and that’s pretty much my wheelhouse, blonde and British but as is fitting for a spy show it was all subterfuge.  The entire show is Australian.  She is Australian.  very tricky.  Anyway, I absolutely love the show, I find her more attractive every episode and so today I want to fuck Amanda Simons.

I know today is usually Hayley Atwell Wednesday and it almost was but… look, Agent Carter may not be back and that makes me sad but Parks and Rec is definitely not coming back.  It’s over.  That needs to be commemorated and it is what I am thinking about today.  How great the show was, how much I will miss it and so on.  Now, it is tempting to make this bigger than it is.  This was the last tie to NBC’s old Must See TV Thursdays, which for most of my life was an epic block of comedy.  Seriously, when I was a kid the Cosby Show was the biggest thing on TV (you know, before that shit got dark), as was Cheers, and Seinfeld, and Friends.  And I could take a trip down nostalgia lane about all of that and how it leads to this but I don’t need to.  The show was simply great on it’s own and amazingly had a heart a lot of comedies don’t.  I was thinking last night about how the show was almost always punching up instead of down.  There weren’t really butts of jokes, just interesting characters playing off of each other.  And yes, even Aubrey Plaza’s acerbic character had that heart of gold and helped people.  I can’t remember if the show introduced me to her or if it was something else, I know she was in a few things around that time.  She is hilarious, she is gorgeous, she is a huge talent.  I look forward to what is next, I guess movies.  But I will miss her and the entire Pawnee crew so today I want to fuck Aubrey Plaza.

Here is Jessica Chastain who I happen to be a pretty big fan of, something you probably are aware of if you have followed me for a while.  She also looked fantastic at the Oscars, at the parties associated with the Oscars, at the Foreign Language Films thing… and so on.  Anyway, I felt like posting her today because… she is beautiful and talented.  I guess that is what I said yesterday about Anna Kendrick.  I have a thing for really good actresses?  I am ok with that.  Today I want to fuck Jessica Chastain.

I knew I was going to have trouble today deciding who to post and certainly there was some competition but honestly in the opening number when Anna Kendrick came out in her dress from Into the Woods I was pretty sure the race was over.  She is so gorgeous and talented and hearing her sing really gave her an unfair advantage.  Also, I loved what she wore to the Oscars.  Because I am super cool I did watch some of the red carpet coverage and I heard some people say her dresses color was too casual for the Oscars.  I am here to say they are morons because it is perfect.  And she looked amazing. And um… I think she’s great?  I do like her a whole lot guys.  Today I want to fuck Anna Kendrick

So I had a lot of trouble choosing who to pick today.  Which means I am going to be in real trouble tomorrow because if the Independent Spirit Awards gave me too many options the Oscars are going to crush me. So this pick is later than usual because of that but also because of an intense discussion about which song is more deeply misogynistic the Rolling Stone’s “Under my Thumb” or Neil Young’s “A Man Needs a Maid”.  And also which one is better. Anyway, I have moved past that and am just listening to Isaac Hayes instead.  None of that matters because I am here to take about Kristen Bell.  Though since she is all around amazing and perfect I am sure she would have interesting thoughts about the subject.  I guess she won the Independent Spirit Awards?  Maybe?  I don’t know if she won by dress alone but she won my heart years ago so she is here.  Of course, she was in the news this week for voicing the controversial opinion that maybe you shouldn’t let your children die of preventable diseases.  I can see why there are two sides to that argument.  What if your kid is kind of a dick?  Maybe polio will wipe that smirk off his face!  Anyway, she’s welcome to her insane opinions that rubella is to be avoided.  And you know, I want to have her babies.  So today I want to fuck Kristen Bell.

If you know me (and you probably don’t, there can’t be that many people on tumblr who secretly live near me, right?) then you’ll know for about that last 20 hours I have been engaged in organizing and shelving my record collection.  Good news, I am about half through.  It goes slow cause I keep stopping to listen to stuff.  Right now I am listening to the Who Live in Leeds.  You might ask how that leads to Nicki Minaj and I don’t know exactly.  I have been asked before if I ever don’t feel like posting cause of illness and stuff.  Illness as in being sick, not illness in like, the Beatie Boys sense.  The answer is no, I don’t.  But music, music can keep me away.  I didn’t even think about tumblr until just a moment ago.  I could have accidentally forgotten to post because I was too interested in reading 40 year old liner notes on albums my teenage father owned or trying to decipher what exactly my 13 year old mom scribbled on that album.  Or trying to figure out why anyone needed that many Moody Blues albums.  Anyway, this leads to Nicki Minaj because she is pretty hot but the whole reason I knew who she was in the first place was the crazy good mixtapes she released about 2 million years ago now.  We’re a long way from that but I should point out Nicki has pretty amazing flow.  I’ll be honest, she hasn’t quite made the music I initially hoped she would, she’s gone a different direction but she still can hang with anyone when it comes to skill.  Also she’s hot.  I am not sure what the Who has to do with this but it has something to do with it cause They were playing and I thought, Oh fuck, I need to go post Nicki Minaj.  Brains man, they make no sense.  Today I want to fuck Nicki Minaj.

Man, I am so attracted to Charli XCX.  I don’t even really know what to say besides that.  It feels like more and more people are agreeing with me.  That’s nice because I heard some rumblings of dissent early on.  I will crush dissenters.  Well, probably not but you’re wrong.  I may have a key person or two to convert but I am working on it.  I am not sure why I have to work on it because look at her.  Right?  On top of that I happen to also think she’s quite talented.  But look at her.  Today I want to fuck Charli XCX.

So I was making some joke to a friend the other day about the artful use of sand or dirt or whatever that is often employed with models to keep the picture PG instead of R.  I said it sure was lucky for the magazine that the sand stuck in all the right places to make sure they could use that picture of Emily Ratajkowski.  She told me that’s just how nipples work, they’re basically like magnets.  I didn’t know this going in because nothing I majored in was anything close to a science.  Basically if I can’t bullshit my way through it by being clever and low level charming it’s not for me.  It turns out it doesn’t matter how you move your eyebrows and make suggestive comments about the reproductive system, you’re not getting through Anatomy if you can’t memory shit.  Anyway, I bring this up in case any women I have been involved with in the past are reading.  I just want to point out that nipples work like magnets.  I have fillings.  Thus I was not “breast obsessed”.  It was science making me it’s bitch.  I had no choice.  Anyway, here are a bunch of pictures of Emily Ratajkowski who I guess is kind of attractive if really attractive girls are your thing.  I am pretty sure I could go into something about anatomy or breasts (there has to be a joke about my eyes also being metal or something.  Some reason my eyes keep drifting where they do).  I am not going into any of that though because honestly, who reads this shit?  The point is she is very hot, I like her, her pictures were probably the best or second best from the Swimsuit Issue so today I want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski.