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This post was truly inevitable because I have been asked if I am just going to post athletes during the Olympics and… maybe?  I dunno.  I don’t plan this in advance, the title of this blog is pretty dead on.  It’s certainly possible because I love the Olympics and it will mainly be what I am watching for two weeks.  So… sorry, obscure actresses from horror movies, you’ll have to wait.  This post was always coming through because as much as I enjoy the Olympics I have a deep, abiding love for the Women’s National Team.  And Alex Morgan is like the avatar of that affection in that I absolutely love her (Maybe I should be posting Mallory Pugh after last night but…).  Like… I would try to describe it but that’s why we have poets, so I’ll let the poets take over here:

Because I am a real American, today I want to fuck Alex Morgan.

So when Missy Franklin didn’t set the world on fire last night I think I was like a lot of people surprised.  Because you know, it’s easy to forget that life continues to happen for athletes in the four years between Olympics and I remember her being the darling of Team USA in 2012 and I guess just assumed she must still be awesome.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was lucky to even make the games.  I did a bunch of reading on it because I was curious and it seems there are a lot of questions as to why she is actually swimming slower than she did in London at 17.  Boy, everything is to blame from just that’s how life works to body changes to injuries to the fact that she didn’t go pro.  I’ll be honest, my favorite villain in this is the NCAA because it’s an organization that exists to exploit the free labor of children and people who were just recently children, so it’s not hard for me to find a reason to dislike them.  I am not here to blame any of that though, I am here to say I was wrong. I was like, “Why isn’t she still amazing,” but it turns out she’s still amazing and that’s important to note.  We should all be so gracious and kind in defeat as Missy Franklin is.  She still has that amazing smile and warmth and talks about team and country.  Among the many reasons people site for her fall off is she spent too much time making appearances for things like Arthur Ashe kids at children’s hospitals because apparently she can’t say no the helping charities. We should all be so amazing.  I saw a quote about how when she decided not to go pro so she could attend college (and again, you should hear what a bag full of dicks the NCAA was the entire time) she has given up an estimated $5 million in earnings and does she regret it and of course she doesn’t because you can’t put a price on the friendships she made and experiences she had. So given the headlines I have seen that range from calling her a dud (yes really) and asking if the pressure got to her (probably not, you know, she does have 4 gold medals in a drawer somewhere) I realized Missy Franklin doesn’t really have a problem.  We have a problem.  We could all learn from her and that delightful smile and I guess I am posting this to say I still love her and we should all be thankful for her and people like her.  Today I want to fuck Missy Franklin.

I hope you guys liked Charlotte Caslick on Saturday cause you’re getting her again today.  What can I say, I just want to dominate her tag since I on Saturday I was only the second person to have ever tagged her in a post.  Well, that and I keep thinking about her.  It’s her fault really for being so dynamic to watch on the screen.  The Olympics is just amazing in how much it appeals to me and I realize that isn’t true for everyone but it is for me.  I am watching Beach Volleyball right now between Spain and Qatar and I have no rooting interest in either except early on something about the Qatar guys just appealed and now I really, really care if they win.  Like, really care.  I need them to win guys.  And I had no idea who Charlotte Caslick was before Saturday morning when I saw her cut through an opening in the field and streak in to score but now I really like her and am looking forward to her matches today.  There will be two, one is in a half an hour and the other one is in about 5 hours.  That’ll be for a medal of some sort.  The US is gone (in part because Charlotte chased down a US ball carrier from the opposite field and look, I am not a rugby person, this could be wrong but that’s what it would be in football and in football it almost never happens.  It was impressive) and I choose to blame New Zealand for it.  So that I can shake my fist and say damn those kiwis and root for Australia at this point. Sorry Canadian followers.  Anyway, I love the Olympics for lots of reasons  I love that people and sports get the spotlight that usually wouldn’t.  I love seeing the happiness that comes from someone achieving their dreams.  I love that my country sent more female athletes than male athletes this year.  There is a lot to love. I got pretty emotional when Yusra Mardini won her heat yesterday because the Refugee team might be the first good idea the IOC has had in ages and if you don’t think it’s the best thing you’ve ever heard then you’re wrong.  Some sort of soulless monster who probably roots for Spanish Men’s Beach Volleyball or New Zealand Women’s Rugby Sevens.  Things I am passionately opposed to and have been for at least and hour.  Today I want to fuck Charlotte Caslick.

So I guess this post is 4 years in the making because it’s been like 4 years since a video of her at the World Juniors took the internet by storm.  You probably know the video and if you don’t I helpfully included a gif of her pre race warm up dance.  It was just a thing she did but it obviously had it’s appeal to a lot of people.  Now, part of that is she is very attractive and moves well.  I think a bigger part of it is she look so happy.  I remember the video being misattributed as being at the Olympics, which was understandable, it was right before the Olympics.  It’s also why we watch the Olympics, for the triumph of the human spirit.  So seeing someone with that smile and what is clearly just a sheer joy of being alive, it’s why we’re there.  We want to see people win, we want to see people succeed, we want to see unbridled joy.  Also she is pretty hot and in killer shape.  The result was mesmerizing and I actually have had people ask me if I had ever heard of her and hey I should post her.  I had heard of her but I guess the time wasn’t right?  She had to make the Olympics to earn a place here?  No, of course not but she did make the Olympic team and I am obsessed with the Olympics enough that she is showing up today, 2 days before her race.  I wish her luck Tuesday and today I want to fuck Michelle Jenneke.

The Olympics are here so get ready for post of athletes as I basically watch hours and hours of sports I normally never would because I kind of forget they even exist.  Anyway, here is Charlotte Caslick, who is a Rugby 7s player for Australia and I am glad Rugby is in the Olympics for lots of reasons but it turns out one of them I was unaware of is Charlotte Caslick running.  Because oh my god.  Look, she is fast and talented and I am starting to feel bad because Australia is just thrashing Colombia.  When I decided I was going to post her she had just scored once and Australia was up by a little bit.  In the time it took me to look for pictures she has scored twice more.  Australia is now up 55-0. Anyway, I realize that I like fast women, which I know makes me sound like some asshole from the 1950’s given the nature of this blog but I mean actual girls who run fast.  Athletics impresses me, feats of athleticism are impressive and there is nothing more primal than running.  It had to be the first sport.  Anyway, she is just astoundingly quick and you know, I have a lot of respect fro anyone who plays something as violent as rugby.  Also, she’s 21 and in the Olympics but didn’t even start playing until she was 17.  That’s just crazy.  So today I want to fuck Charlotte Caslick.

I sometimes watch ultra low budget horror movies because… Jesus I don’t know. Deep seeded self loathing I guess because really they are all pretty terrible.  It turns out bad acting and bad writing can’t be fixed by how affordable digital movie making is.  Though I will say this one, while not good, wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be.  The nice guy I was rolling my eyes at turned out to be the villain all alone because he was a nice guy douche bag who felt wronged that a girl he’d never told he was into never used her girl telepathy to figure it out and just fuck him for being so nice.  Which, is like, in a lot of these a thing that is written as the girl being a monster, so I appreciated that in this case the guy ended up being seen as a dick because of it.  Still, 9 main cast and like 5 supporting roles and nonsensical twists meant that there were more characters than there were decent actors and more plot than the writer could handle.  One of the actresses who wasn’t terrible was this girl, Sonja O’Hara who… wikipedia tells me is an award winning Canadian actress. That’s good, her acting was fine in this so given what surrounded her I’d be willing to believe she is perhaps the greatest actress of all time to elevate the material to, “Not bad, nice butt”.  She had a nice butt.  They kept talking about how big her boobs were and you know, they also seemed nice but this is the sloppiness of this kind of thing, her boobs weren’t really noticeably large.  I feel like that was i the script, they cast her, and no one decided to change huge boobs to pretty face or something. Anyway, I am writing a whole lot about a bad movie no one who follows me will see or care about.  I just enjoy finding obscure actresses in horror movies and posting them.  Today I want to fuck Sonja O’Hara.

I finally got around to watching The Forest.  I kind of dragged my feet because it was supposed to be terrible but I knew I would eventually because Natalie Dormer is ridiculously hot.  After watching it I will say it isn’t as terrible as people say but not because it’s good, more like it’s so bland and unexciting I can’t work up enough enthusiasm to call it terrible.  It’s just there.  Turns on my pre movie assessment of Natalie dormer was dead on though, she is ridiculously hot.  She also did an American accent which was strangely disconcerting.  It wasn’t that it was bad, I think people get too much crap for accents, it’s that it was so non specific it wasn’t really part of any region.  It was muddled.  And it seemed strange hearing it from  her.  Anyway, the movie was bad, she is not.  Or maybe she is, I don’t know her, maybe she kicks puppies.  She could probably make that hot, too.  Today I want to fuck Natalie Dormer.

I watched the Nice Guys last night and I kinda dug it.  I maybe didn’t like it as much as some of my friends.  Not that I really found anything wrong about it but maybe it was heightened expectations, people talked about it like it was some lost classic when really it was just pretty good and pretty good in a way most buddy cop movies aren’t anymore.  Which makes sense, Shane Black wrote and directed it and if you don’t know, he basically invented all the buddy cop movie cliches because he wrote Lethal Weapon.  There were lots of things that felt like a blast from the past in this, Russell Crowe and Kim Bassinger together, the old style buddy cop action, that 1970’s, but the one that tickled my brain and I couldn’t figure out was Margaret Qualley.  She looked so familiar and I couldn’t place her.  I went and looked up her filmography and I have seen exactly nothing else shes’ been in.  She was really pretty but something was wrong.  Finally, like the third time looking at her IMDB I finally see at the top, “Daughter of Andie MacDowell”.  And then it clicked.  They don’t look alike but there is something there that made my brain make a connection.  Andie MacDowell was very pretty too.  Anyway, I liked the Nice Guys, I thought Margaret Qualley was pretty so here she is, today I want to fuck Margaret Qualley.

So I was watching this week’s BrainDead, which you’d think would lead to a Mary Elizabeth Winstead post.  I thought it would.  Until it turns out the Partridge Family’s “I Think I Love You” ended up playing a pivotal role in the show.  Like, it helped save the day.  And I was immediately singing along and thinking of Katie Cassidy because lord knows I need to keep writing stuff like this so her lawyers have plenty of things to site one day.  But I can’t help it, I see her and I hear the song.  I hear the song and I think of her.  And I really want to try and explain that you know, it’s cause her dad sings the song but as I type that that doesn’t sound any more normal.  Like not at all.  This is not something that would put someone’s mind at ease at all.  Like, if I somehow entered an elevator and she was there the song would just come out and I would probably get to the second line before the mace hit.  And that would be fair, even as I tried to explain I was thinking about her and her dad.  So fingers crossed I never end up in an elevator with her I guess?  Today I want to fuck Katie Cassidy.

So I figured today I would end up posting someone who was at the Teen Choice Awards and technically I am but this post really has nothing to do with those. The Teens did not choose this post.  Lea Michele was there and looked fine but this is a result of a shoot she did for Women’s Health.  She is looking very healthy.  You can tell because there is nothing you can’t see basically and I see no ill health.  I looked closely because I am passionate about health (insert joke about free breast exams).  Anyway, she is here because I am attracted to her. That’s really why everyone is here I suppose.  Today I want to fuck Lea Michele.