Here’s Alexis Ren cause she sure is pretty, right? I am not sure why she was on my mind other than having a day planned outside and it’s going to be hot so man, being at the pool or the beach would be nice. But I am not going to be. She gets to be. In these pictures at least. It looks pleasant. She is very pretty. I really don’t have a lot more to say than that. Today I want to fuck Alexis Ren.
I am watching the bronze medal match for field hockey and as a reminder I will point out later today that Ellen Hoog and the Netherlands will be playing for the goal so all those people who have been interested in who she is (and again, I do name her in the post, so I am confused as to why you are confused) can see her at 4 PM today. The Bronze match is always a little melancholy for me because someone is going home empty handed despite a whole lot of work. I am sure it will be heartbreaking and heartbreak sucks. You put all your heart and soul into something and it doesn’t work out and it’s all you can do to keep it together sometimes. Which brings me to the real point of today’s post and the point of the Olympics. My friend @wildflagsure is going through some heartbreak and the real truth is there is nothing any of us can do to make that better. We can’t just turn it off or make things ok because that’s not how the world works. But we can all help a little by sending her a message and trying our best to brighten her day. It’s part of the Olympic spirit because she’s Greek, so you’ll be fostering relations with another nation. I mean, chances are you aren’t Greek. Not like, real Greek, like her. Like, I mean real Greek, like all real Greek women she has been seduced by Zeus disguised as something else at some point, she only eats gyros, and has to walk around on egg shells because you pick the wrong god damned flower and some total dick of a nymph will turn you into a tree. Anyway, you should reach out and just tell her you hope she has a good day or… anything really. It sucks to be heartbroken. And so I am posting Ellen Hoog today because she is playing but also the part I like best about the Olympics is that it can make me feel pretty good. I’d like my friend to feel good. Also, she did agree that Ellen Hoog is hot, which makes sense because Greek people have eyes like the rest of us. Oh my god, the Olympics are working, I’m realizing we’re all not so different. We all have eyes and are attracted to Ellen Hoog. Amazing. Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.
I have been trying to post like all day but Tumblr decided to be a real butthead today. Every picture I tried to upload was an upload error which really puts kink in my plans to make a picture post. I won though. Eventually. Through a lot of pain in my ass effort. Anyway, here is the Charli XCX post that I knew was coming at some point because I knew she did a shoot for fader and I am pretty predictable with Charli XCX. I see her, I am attracted to her, I post her. Wash, rinse, repeat. So here I am posting her because I am very attracted to her and today I want to fuck Charli XCX.
Look, no Olympics. Some of you will be thrilled. Here is Ariel Winter because last night there was a Young Hollywood thing and like… I dunno, it’s such a vague definition, I see it attached to all these events but young seems to be “teenager” at some and “under 50” at others. I am not calling fro some regulation on use of the word, I am just saying it becomes meaningless when over applied. Whatever the definition, I feel like Ariel Winter still fits it and I think she looked fantastic last night. I like pinstripes. I dunno why, it just seems to be a good look in general. There’s a reason why so many mens suits have them I guess. Of course, now I am just confusing myself, I don’t think I like her outfit because it’s conservative but maybe I do? Maybe it’s tricking me. Oh god, is it the mullet of outfits? The reverse mullet I guess, business on the arms, party up front? Boy, a mullet and boobs joke, this has just gone completely off the rails. I am sorry guys. Today I want to fuck Ariel Winter.
This is Darya Klishina who, until proven otherwise, I am just going to assume is a spy out to bring down Western Civilization. The Cold War is back for this Olympics and I couldn’t be more excited. It’s just nice to have a villain and this time without all the (ok, as much) repression of people in Eastern Europe by their corrupt governments. I can’t pinpoint the exact point it happened but I just know at some point Vladimir Putin wanted Moose and Squirrel so badly that he put the full weight of his corrupt plutocratic kleptocracy behind injecting his athletes with whatever they had lying around in syringes in mothballed KGB secret super soldier facilities. The result is that a lot of people, especially Americans took umbrage with this because as an American I can tell you we believe in the individual versus the collective. It’s the basic divide between Eastern and Western philosophy. So basically, as Americans, we feel like if you’re going to cheat you should cheat for yourself. This thing where there is state sponsored cheating, that’s no good. You should win on the merits of your own cheating because that’s what the Olympics is about. Anyway, the result is the entire Russian Track and Field team was banned from the Olympics except for Darya here. And then before the weekend they decided she was banned because a urine sample of hers from a few years ago had suspicious scratch marks. Then yesterday she was reinstated by the appeals process. She jumps tonight. Long jump, sorry, if you don’t know. I happen to find her quite attractive in that way I find pure evil attractive. Now, she may be a very nice person but again, I can only assume at some point tonight she will complete a jump that will put a competitor in a coma, at which point she will comment, “If she dies she dies”. Because I saw a documentary about boxing in the 80’s and that’s what Russians say. Anyway, she is very hot and I am glad she is getting to compete cause like… the cheating stuff kinda sucks, I am tired of not being sure if I can trust my sports, but it would really suck to be yanked off the Olympics at the 11th hour. Even if she is pure, red evil. Today I want to fuck Darya Klishina.
I am streaming field hockey on my phone next to my computer as I work here and as I was typing this yesterday’s pick just was part of a pretty cool scoring play. New Zealand is handling Australia pretty well. This is going to be about Ellen Hoog though, as a public service. Which, ok, obviously this blog is almost always a public service. You’re welcome. But I posted her a few days ago and it got a pretty good reaction, including a lot of “Oh my god” and “Who is she?” sort of things sent my way. Which… um, that second question, I get that sometimes and I really want to point out all those words that follow the pictures? That usually answers that. At least a little bit. But I get it, she’s gorgeous. Like model gorgeous. It’s why pictures of her are easy because she’s pretty and pretty enough that just being pretty would probably be enough for her to show up in pictures if she wanted but she’s also a two time gold medalist and an elite athlete. So the public service part is this: you can see her play today. Sure there is only a quarter left in the game I am watching right now but Ellen Hoog? Her match is at 7:30 ET tonight. You have lots of time to prepare for that, and since The Dutch seem to be the best at this, you can watch the best do it. And after some discussion yesterday it was concluded their Orange uniforms are the prettiest uniforms. They do really pop on the blue turf. So you know, give it a shot. Because it’s fun and she’s gorgeous. Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.
So yesterday I watched some depressing diving and some Track and Field but didn’t watch as much of the Olympics as I usually do cause I got busy. But I did manage to sneak in a replay of some Field Hockey when I couldn’t sleep. This is Charlotte Harrison, who is part of the New Zealand team and is ridiculously photogenic. This is her second Olympics, which feels really impressive given she isn’t that old but apparently she joined that national team at 16 so this is all very old hat for her, she was even an alternate for the 2008 games. She is really attractive, to the point that yesterday I had a friend who seemed surprised she and a few other girls were so pretty. Not in a negative way, she is not that kind of person but in a, “we all still probably have some expectations for female athletes that are out dated”. When I was a kid the stereotype about female athletes was giant man beasts with facial hair and hideous features. Now, as with any stereotype there were probably contributing factors. For one, with women’s athletics simply being less accepted you can see how outsiders who didn’t fit in might be more drawn to it, just like the nerd stereotype for sci-fi and so on. And yeah, being less attractive can push you that way. There was also the rampant steroid use, especially among some uh… redder countries during the era the also may have negatively impacted things. I would imagine most of it had to do with the idea that girls were lesser, girls were not supposed to play sports, thus any woman playing sports was just a woman who couldn’t land a husband. That might seem extreme but I feel like it was the root of it. It’s amazing how things have changed. Somewhere along the line someone realized that athletes are in remarkable shape. I guess they always knew that, which is why people talk about how hot some male athlete with a goofy face is because he has abs on his abs. Well, it turns out that women that are in better shape than pretty much anyone you have ever known personally also can be attractive. Throw in the literally thousands of athletes there, some of them will also have remarkably beautiful faces. On top of that, it turns out that people who are really good at what they do are hot. So like… Charlotte Harrison has a pretty face. She is also among the best in the world at what she does. I am not saying this as an expert on field hockey, I am saying that as an expert on very simple math. She’s one of the couple hundred field hockey players at the Olympics and that puts her at the least in the top couple hundred field hockey players in the world and guys, there are a lot of people in the world. Like, at least thousands. Probably more. I’m not going to check. Anyway, it stands out the differences in reality and expectations because I have noticed a lot this time people have been stunned by some of my posts that human beings who have honed their body to perfection are actually like… pretty hot. So here is another one for you guys, Charlotte Harrison is pretty hot. And I even saw her score a goal the other day. So today I want to fuck Charlotte Harrison.
When I was a kid one day at the pool we were having a diving competition. Which was really a misnomer because the point was to make the biggest splash, which from what I can tell watching the Olympics is the opposite of the point of a diving competition. Anyway, I had no hope of winning because I was really undersized when I was younger and was usually about a year younger than my peers. But I did proclaim I knew the ultimate dive to make a big splash called the Bald Eagle. I confided this in a kid who was easily the biggest dick at the pool. I know you’re really not to declare kids to be dicks but let’s be honest, some are, and this kid was just a little asshole. So I knew he’d steal my dive when I describe it. The Bald Eagle involved getting your arms under your knees to make “wings” and landing crotch first in the water with your legs spread wide thanks to your arms. The result was not much of a splash but the water delivering a nice solid kick to the nuts. I knew he’d steal it and he did and man was he in pain. I learned very early in life that you can get more done with a wink and a smile than you can with anything else, just be a little bit charming and you’ll be able to get the biggest dick at the pool to hit himself in the nuts. I am telling you this story to illustrate the depth of my knowledge about diving. That’s it, I know how to make children hurt themselves, that is as far as it goes really. Also, my realization that we are often influenced by factors that are less that objective, no matter what we think, charm and other suck things play a bigger factor in decisions than we think. So what I am saying is I would be a terrible diving judge. I watch it and every time it’s like, “Oh fuck, that girl jumps and spun and went in the water, that was amazing”. They would all get 10’s. And Kassidy Cook would benefit the most from this because she is adorable and beautiful and so like, if the whole thing is someone is supposed to look good in the water? Well, she looks good doing everything, instant 10. Are 10’s the highest score in diving? I honestly don’t know. I watch but I know next to nothing. Anyway, my real point here is that today I want to fuck Kassidy Cook.
I really feel like this post should start with an apology to like half the girls I knew in high school. I never watched you play field hockey and part of that was I was busy but part of that was it sure sounded boring. Turns out I was wrong, it’s actually pretty engaging, though I could do with out the bright blue Boise State Astroturf at this Olympics. Anyway, I have been watching a good bit of it this week and I am not an expert but I know a few tings because I am me. One is that the Dutch team is really good. And that Ellen Hoog has been among the most suggested athletes for me to post on this blog since London at least. She’s won two gold medals with the team and is also notably very attractive. I think maybe she’s a big star in the Netherlands? Or maybe not at all, it’s impossible to tell from the outside but it seems like she is. They seem to take their field hockey very seriously. Anyway, I am watching them play New Zealand, who also appear to be very good, and am impressed by the athleticism but also that these teams look like they are loaded with supermodels. Which kinda makes sense because I was sent an article this weekend about the hottest team at the Olympics being this Dutch team. I didn’t even know the IOC tracked that but there we go. They appear to be very good at what they do and I worry for their bare legs but it feels like there should be some padding there, that ball is coming in pretty fast. I would at least want pants. Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.
Sorry, no athlete today. What can break the streak? Well, Emily Ratajkowski. She was at, and this is what I can find it being called in the news, “A special Event for UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon presented by Brett Ratner”. I don’t even know what to make of all that nonsense and it probably is best to just not think about it too hard. Anyway, she looked nice. The dress isn’t even that great I guess but Emily Ratajkowski would look good in a burlap sack so it doesn’t matter. It was enough to pry my eyes from the Olympics at least for a little bit. Today I want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski.
Who I want to Fuck Today 