Thank god for Nickelodeon and MTV and whatever other groups out there have their award shows that are aimed less at prestige and more about getting the kids to watch so they can sell them whatever it is we are trying to market to kids these days.  Skateboards and Pogs I assume.  I say that because it means someone like Katherine Langford because of course kids loved 13 Reasons Why, almost as much as rap music and playing those damn video games.  I happen to think she is quite beautiful.  But she rarely shows up at all anywhere I go looking regularly.  In this case she was at the Teen Choice Awards though, because again, youth focused.  I hope she has a great career ahead of her because I had very mixed feelings about 13 Reasons Why but my feelings about her performance was only positive.  She was just fantastic.  Also she is beautiful to look at and it’s pretty well documented that I love Katherines.  SO anyway, I am glad there were a whole two pictures of her I could find from the awards and today I want to fuck Katherine Langford.

So Aubrey Plaza is deep in promoting Ingrid Goes West and I hope it’s good. It’s getting good reviews, so I am hopeful.  It seems like an idea ripe for exploring.  For now though it’s just nice because Aubrey Plaza keeps showing up at screenings and in photoshoots and stuff.  So here she is because today I want to fuck Aubrey Plaza.

New work from Candice Swanepoel continues to trickle out and that is certainly nice to see.  I wouldn’t mind if it turned into a torrent but give it time I suppose.  She has looked good.  She often does.  On account of being good looking.  I don’t have a lot more to say than that though.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

So Karen Gillan has sorta been on my mind all week.  Sort of.  I don’t know why really, I have no specific thing to point to other than I have found myself thinking about her off and on.  To the point where I went looking for a specific picture and couldn’t’ find it so I had to google it and now that’s the first picture in this post.  Why?  I have no clue, it just popped into my head. She is great though, so I am not complaining.  Maybe she did something awesome in the earlier week that I don’t remember but it’s rattling around in my subconscious.  Maybe in general I just think she is charming and attractive and my brain decided to point that out.  Either way, today I want to fuck Karen Gillan.

Kate Upton was in Shape magazine and that’s fantastic.  I am glad we seem to be getting more editorials featuring her lately because… because she’s pretty. Yeah, it’s pretty simple.  I like looking at Kate Upton and I think she has looked very good recently.  I quite liked the pictures, though a portion of the internet is complaining that she is too covered up.  I don’t think they like the jackets.  I have to say, they aren’t covering a lot but I can get the jacket bothering someone.  I don’t think she should work out or play basketball in the jacket she’s wearing in the picture I chose.  But I assume she’s doing that to keep warm before the coach sends her in.  This is important, you get sweaty and once you stop running around your cool down and eventually you can get chills, which aren’t just unpleasant, those chills can lead to muscle cramping.  I don’t want that and I assume Kate Upton doesn’t either.  So the jacket makes a lot of sense.  I guess what I am saying, Internet, is that sometimes it seems like nothing can actually make you happy.  I know that you can fall into this trap where just being negative seems like you are being insightful or smart but it’s a cover for insecurity, we all know that.  Regardless of why, eventually people aren’t going to want to hang out with you anymore because as we get older we realize we don’t need that kind of negativity in our life, that guy who shits on everything all the time.  So I get it, it’s not a typical warm up jacket but what do you want, past pictures have proven Kate Upton doesn’t have a lot of clothing, she’s barely covered.  She grabbed what she could because the team is counting on her.  Why would anyone have a problem with that?  Today I want to fuck Kate Upton.

There was an event last night with Young Hollywood at the end of it.  It’s a popular thing to tack on to the end of an event name and have a lot of people show up.  I have always wondered if they are all related or if anyone can just throw it onto the end.  It’s hard to know, I mean there can’t be a Young Hollywood regulating body, right?  Who knows.  There was one, lots of people looked good but I liked Chloe Moretz the best.  She had an old Hollywood look to her that I am a sucker for.  Now I realize that is all sorts of confusing with Old Hollywood at Young Hollywood.  Or not that confusing.  I mean, if you read that sentence you’re literate, you can work it out.  She looked good though and so why not post her.  Today I want to fuck Chloe Moretz.

I saw Rihanna was in Barbados the other day and that is usually a good sign because while I am not an expert, I feel like this is the time of year we’ll get to see her in Barbados’ Harvest Festival, Crop Over.  I was right.  This always pays off.  Recently I was talking about outfits Rihanna can pull off that normal people can’t and this qualifies.  I mean, I couldn’t wear that certainly.  I shouldn’t try for lots of reasons.  Of course, in this case I think people can agree that the outfits are gorgeous, they always are at these Carnivals around the world, by the way, whatever your stance on Religion I think we should all say thank you to the Catholic Church for that at least, but as pretty as the outfits are, to really pull it off you have to be remarkably beautiful.  So Rihanna can pull them off with ease but the rest of us would look pretty silly.  Anyway, this year’s look is the best she has ever had.  I assume.  There aren’t pictures of her as a kid growing up in Barbados, so maybe she had some killer outfits then but of the ones I have seen because she was famous so the news was reporting on it, this years is the best.  She looks amazing. From the color of her hair and how it compliments everything to the cut and the headdress, it’s all just awesome.  Go look up more pictures of it.  So I have included outfits from various years at Crop Over.  I think.  I think it’s name changed at once.  I should just say at the Harvest Festival or something.  Because obviously, that’s why you’re looking at this post.  You are here for the pedantry.  Today I want to fuck Rihanna.

Game of Thrones was last night and I have an odd relationship with the show and property in that I like it fine for the most part and that seems to really piss off a lot of people because that’s not enough to like it.  Not people here so much.  Well, not that they tell me.  More friends in real life.  It’s one of those things, when you don’t embrace someone’s favorite middlebrow work as the most epic piece of anything every conceived they tend to take it personally because they are deeply insecure.  And I get it, insecurity can eat away at you. I assume.  I don’t know, I haven’t experienced it, which is why I assume everyone so desperately wants my approval.  And I have a really, really long relationship with this property because I feel like for 20 years people tried to force me to read the books even though it’s a pretty well known fact that books are for nerds.  I was super busy doing things like kick flips and slam dunking basketball and banging hot chicks for that but the calls to read the series were so oppressive that eventually I took a break from jumping my motorcycle through rings of fire to read the books.  Which were pretty good but my core reason for not reading them (besides the afore mentioned issue with me being too busy being awesome) was that I am greatly distrustful of fantasy series because they never end.  Once they become a cash cow books get added and added and I at best only have like 50 more years on this planet.  And you know, turns out I was right there.  When the show came out I didn’t have a ton of interest but after every person I have ever met started showing up on my door to ask, “Why aren’t you watching Game of Thrones” I gave in.  I knew it was a bad idea because when I didn’t immediately declare it to be the single greatest thing in the history of all media, I was going to piss people off.  I am going through the same damn bullshit with American Gods right now.  The book was fine, I liked it, but I have never been passionate about Neil Gaiman.  I like him, I don’t love him.  I think we should just stay friends.  So I know once I give in the harassment and watch the show and don’t think it’s the greatest show ever made (which will be tough since there are like 8 shows people want me to watch because they are the greatest show ever made and I have to be honest, people are bad at language or there is something really strange going on with reality for so many shows to be the greatest ever) people will be very annoyed with me.  So you know, I watched Game of Thrones last night and I was like, “Hey, that was fun”.  And boy did that piss off some friends this morning who are very upset I didn’t think it was the greatest thing ever made.  So I am trying to find a middle ground here on something I feel has to be generally uncontroversial.  Emilia Clarke is beautiful.  Often when she is on screen or I see pictures I am just struck by how beautiful she is.  It really is remarkable how pretty she is.  Big thumbs up to her.  Today I want to fuck Emilia Clarke.

Candice Swanepoel is working for Victoria’s Secret again after a pretty long stretch off thanks to things like babies and so on.  I mean, we are getting some pictures but they are trickling out, it’s not the normal flood but I assume that’s because we’re not actually getting anything real yet, just behind the scenes.  A lot of people seem relieved which is hilarious because it reveals what I have seen a lot of since she got pregnant, this panic that she’d never model again. It was like, at most 6 or 7 months between shoots, it’s not really that long but just that little time away was more than enough to make people panic.  Which is probably why she thinks this all worked on me.  Her whole hard to get thing where she gets engaged and has a baby and the pictures slow a good bit. Classic hard to get.  Nice try, Candy, nice try.  It’s been painfully obvious to everyone who has followed me that she is obsessed with me of course but she took a hard turn into hard to get territory, I mean, it’s been about a year since Victoria’s Secret suddenly ended it’s print catalog and, well, let’s be honest, that’s pretty transparent ploy for my attention.  I get it, make me miss what I took for granted.  It hasn’t worked of course.  Mostly.  I mean sure sometimes I think about Candice Swanepoel but I stand resolute.  It’s flatter but… ok, look maybe today it’s working. But overall whatever.  Just today.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

This post is long overdue.  I kinda feel obligated.  Not in a, “Ugh, I have to do this sense” like you do when you have to make small talk with that one relative no one enjoys being around during some holiday but more like, if there is any justice in the world I will do this.  Because Katheryn Winnick is beautiful and since about Comic Con I have almost posted her so many times.  It just feels like a crime that I haven’t because she’s gorgeous.  And she’s everywhere right now.  I have no idea why.  Is this Vikings related?  Is that still on?  I fell away eventually.  Basically because I forgot it came back and it was one of those shows that was good enough that I enjoyed it when I watched it but not quite satisfying enough that I was excited each time a new season arrived.  She was always good though and what is most striking to me is her presence in that show.  If you asked me I’d assume she is like 6 feet tall.  At the very least she must be physically imposing.  It turns out she isn’t really, she’s just normal height for a girl.  Which makes it all the more impressive that she can seem so imposing.  There is something about her.  I am not saying I am scared of her but I am not saying she couldn’t scare me if she tried.  I would believe she could kick my ass if she threatened me I guess.  Probably a weird place to end this.  Oh well.  Today I want to fuck Katheryn Winnick.