New Year, same old posts, right? I’d apologize but I am not sorry. Happy 2014 everyone, I am still all stuffed up and sleepy and like a little out of it. But I am with it enough to know that I am very attracted to Kate Upton. So I am posting Kate Upton. For what, if I counted right, is the 35th time. That’s a lot of posts. I know that. I find her slightly attractive, so… well, today I want to fuck Kate Upton.
Do you believe in coincidence? Don’t answer, that’s rhetorical. I hope you do. Actually do answer that, if you don’t believe in coincidence at all and think everything is part of some conspiracy you are exactly who I want filling my inbox. Seriously, message me. But back to the subject at hand, sometimes coincidences in real life happen and they make you believe something must be at work (usually that something is, in my opinion, selection bias, you only notice it when you’re looking for it). Anyway, coincidence ahoy, I am adding pictures to this post and I notice it’s going to be my 666th post. It makes total sense given that she is like half demon. Or all demon. Look, I don’t know which it is ask her, I am not some sort of demon expert. The thing is she is a demon in whole or part so the 666 thing makes sense. I think. Again I could be wrong, my knowledge of demons is pretty severely limited to episodes of Supernatural and those times I played Dark Stalkers in a shitty arcade while my brother playing indoor soccer downstairs. Like, for one, I thought demons were mean or evil. In my experience Pigeon Foo is a delight. She is pleasant and kind and very open and friendly. Now, I am not going to claim I know everything about her, we haven’t actually exchanged friendship bracelts or anything (yet) but she did declare me her tumblr bestie once upon a time. I remebmer because I immediately rushed out to tell my mom who said, “You run what kind of blog?" To which I said, "What? No/ This isn’t even me, it’s my brother. He runs the creepy blog”. But that’s not the story of this post, that’s the story of why I can never, ever go home again. Seriously though, Pigeon Foo isn’t just pretty and half naked, she is pretty and half naked AND pretty awesome and half demon. Or whole demon. I know her but I’m not like her biographer. I don’t even know if she has a biographer. Again, that’s a question for her. Check out her blog (and while your at it Hollow’s as well cause he also seems cool and takes most of the pictures anyway). Or don’t. I’m not actually the boss of you (yet). It’s all just a suggestion. Man, this one was rambly, it’s a lot of pressure writing a post like this about someone you’re buddies with, so cut me a little slack. The real point is that today I want to fuck Pigeon Foo.
Man, Christmas is so close I can taste it guys. It is almost here and I am excited because I love Christmas. What does that have to do with Kelly Brook? Very little except I’d like to deck her halls, if you know what I mean. If you do know what I mean let me know because as far as euphemisms go that one doesn’t make a ton of sense. At the start of the month she did do a little Christmas video though, singing the sluttiest of all Christmas songs. I mean, Santa Baby is totally a strange song about having sex with strange old men for gifts, right? Whatever, it’s ok, I love Christmas and I enjoyed it because you know, Christmas and snow and hot girls in their underwear. And I am pretty sure that’s the real meaning of Christmas. Today I want to fuck Kelly Brook.
I have friends who go to tropical islands around Christmas and often not with family. That strikes me as very strange. I like sun and sand and all of that but everything in it’s place and place for everything, Christmas is not about the beach. Santa don’t surf and I don’t think he should. So when I picked Candice Swanepoel today I worked hard to avoid bikinis, even though those are so plentiful. You’re welcome for the yuletide cheer I have provided you. I am heading home in just a few minutes to be with family and hope it gets colder than the stupid hot it is right now. I wish you all visions of sugar plums and stuff, my visions will likely involve the fact that today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
So I started my first Kato post by explaining that Steampunk was cool and then taking that back and saying it was dorky as hell but so cool. I still feel that way, it is so nerdy but my first reaction to seeing it is always to go, “ooooo, that’s so awesome”! Because it is so awesome! Anyway, I was talking about that and then talking about Kato just a bit earlier. That got me thinking about Kato who is just super attractive. And pretty awesome. And yeah, the steampunk stuff helps, so do the awesome hair. And the cool outfits. But it’s also just cool. I like it. I like her. Today I want to fuck Kato.
All week I have had this thing where I can’t decide who to post because I want to post about a million girls. Giver or take a grand. This is a better problem than if I was just feeling meh and not attracted to anyone because it’s a much better place to be in to feel like everything is great than everything is lame. I went with Barbara Palvin because it turns out she is very attractive. That’s me, internet hotness detective, able to determine if a girl is hot or not after millions of other people already had. I am also that jackass who will say helpful things like, “It’s always the last place you look” when you find your keys or, “Hot enough for ya”? Ok, not really the second one. Those people are the worst. But Barbara Palvin is the best. At least for today. Because you know what? Today I want to fuck Barbara Palvin.
Today was one of those days I could have posted like a dozen girls. I was having a hard time deciding. I mean in theory I could post like 12 girls here and say I want them all but if I am being honest I don’t ever have that kind of energy. I have a DVR just so I can back up because I get so easily distracted and miss what people say. 12 girls? No one is going home satisfied in that situation. Besides, who has a bed that big? The logistics are just a nightmare. So today we get Emily Didonato who made a strong argument by popping up in my feed. More specifically from her shoot for Calzedonia from August. Look, everyone has their things, one of my things is I find girls in leggings or tights or hose or… you know whatever very attractive. I don’t know why. I find those threads are ones you shouldn’t pull because your life would be ruined if you examine too closely and you start remembering the time your mom did something or other. That would be a disaster. But I like when girls wear them. She looked very nice. And so it’s that simple, today I want to fuck Emily Didonato.
Here is Audrey Kitching who has shown up here before but it has been like a year. I can’t say that’s a surprise because most of you probably are going “who”? Well, she’s like… a style icon who now I guess is an elder statesmen of people who go famous on the internet. Back in the early days of myspace she managed to use the platform to advance her modeling and popularity and also dated dudes in bands (just one really but the reputation was soon cemented as the girl who dated dudes in bands). And she was much loved and hated and it all seems very quaint now because I don’t think she elicits much hate from anyone anymore. Maybe she does and I don’t see it anymore. The only time she pops up is when I see some sort of article about her being fashion forward or something. So that’s good I guess, the controversy is gone, all that’s left is a buzz feed blog and occasional clothing lines. None of that really matters because what I like is the hair. I love the pink hair. I like the other colored hair a little less but I am still fan. I like colorful hair. Her hair usually looks pretty good. Today I want to fuck Audrey Kitching.
The first time I posted Kato I was stunned by the popularity. It was for a long time my most popular post. Then the second time I got on my soap box about boobs and judgement and I don’t regret it, it got a conversation going, it got a great post by a model about the industry and implants, it was fun. But hopefully this time I can avoid any of that and just talk about Kato. Who is really hot. I will avoid the obvious saw here (I like Blonde Brits, I like Katherines) and instead talk about the appeal of the exotic. You may not think of Kato as exotic but it seems to me that is what she trades in. Yes a skinny, blonde, white woman with large breasts is exotic. I know on paper it seems silly. But in binary it seems obvious to me. Look at how those 0’s and 1’s come together up above to form pictures, there is nothing about her look that would pass for normal. She does not blend in. The hair color, the way her make up shapes her eyes and high lights her features, obviously the way she dresses, these are exotic. Steam punk is exotic, it is fashion that is nostalgic for a time that never existed. That has to be a big part of the appeal, we have all been outsiders at some point and the draw of something that never was is strong. Something that is different, that is special. Steampunk is not something that did exist, it’s something that people wish existed. It’s a reality to be shaped in the mind, one that then will fit you like the real world doesn’t. That’s the appeal of someone like Kato as well, it’s a sort of hyper reality, it’s a beauty that you can’t as easily assign a type to. Because it doesn’t fit what we know it can become whatever we don’t know. It becomes comfortable because it’s foreign, it suits us because it fits nowhere else. Or you know, she’s just hot, has a great body, and a unique style. it’s one of those things. Today I want to fuck Kato.
So I was introduced to Alysha Nett by the lovely and talented Pigeon Foo. Upon admitting I didn’t know who Alysha Nett was she was surprised because apparently Alysha Nett is tumblr’s favorite model and because she is breathtakingly gorgeous. In the moment I was of the opinion “well, not everyone can know everybody!" But… it didn’t take long for me to realize I was wrong. I should have known who she was. Because she is everywhere. Once I realized who she was I was stunned by how often I saw her. All over the internet and not tumblr. And clearly I was missing out because yes, she is absolutely gorgeous. Just staggeringly so. She has a pretty cool tumblr of her own, but I am not sure why I am telling you because clearly you already know because she is tumblr’s favorite model and I am just late to the party. Sigh, I guess it’s like they say, tumblr had a party and… I dunno, that isn’t how the rhyme goes. Dumbass who didn’t know who Alysha Nett was wasn’t invited. Anyway, this was a long time ago, I have rectified it. I totally know who she is not. I could pick her out of a line up! And she is pretty great looking and has great fashion sense and well, she’s awesome. So today I want to fuck Alysha Nett.
Who I want to Fuck Today 