Here are pictures of Barbara Palvin because.. why not? My week of almost no sleep continues into a second week… or is it the third? Math is hard, ya’ll. Anyway, don’t expect me to be horribly articulate here. I feel like I have some things about how she manages to mix being adorable and sexy into an interesting mix but basically all that is coming out is, “girl pretty”. So you know, girl pretty. Like girl. Today I want to fuck Barbara Palvin.
Today is the day I officially became an old person. No, it’s not my birthday or anything, I woke up with a painful Charley Horse in my right leg. I guess this has happened at some other point in my life but it is basically a new sensation for me, so I Google it. Upon doing so I discovered that, “Nighttime Charley Horses are common among the elderly. Up to 60% of elderly people have been woken up by a Charley Horse in the last two months”. So there we go, I’m elderly. So I am posting Amanda Seyfried today because she is super pretty. I remember once upon a time when she was a fresh young face and I would go, “Man, Lily Kane is pretty hot”. You see, Lily Kane was the name of her character on what in those days was called a moving picture show. We watched them on our tube based moving picture boxes. That was how one watched entertainment back then, not like today with you kids and your internet and watching them on your iPads or your skateboards. I can’t remember how long ago that was, see because I am old and old people forget all sorts of stuff. All i remember for sure was to watch her on my tele-vision device I had to walk 10 miles through the snow uphill. Eventually though I’d sit down and warm my hands on the side of the box and watch, commercials and all. And I would think, “That girl Amanda Seyfried is mighty attractive. I sure would like to take her to a sock hop or out for malted beverages”. And I still think that but today I’d do it on some sort of fancy future jetpack and end up breaking my poor, old hip. So while I still have a few breaths in me today I want to fuck Amanda Seyfried.
I am like 99% sure I had never heard of Rachel Riley before a month ago. I guess maybe I had and didn’t notice because once she was pointed out I was like, wow, she’s all over the internet. Or at least the portion of the internet I frequent. That happens a lot, how someone will be brought to my attention and I swear I have never seen them before in my life but now that I am aware of them they pop up all over the place (this is called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon and it is a cognitive bias, if you were curious). Anyway, I had a friend say, “I think you’d like her dress on 8 out of 10 Cats tonight” and like a lot of the time when British People talk to me I was pretty sure she was fucking with me and just making shit up because those words didn’t actually make sense together. Long story short though, it’s a TV show, I watched the episode, I did like her dress and she was cute. I knew she’d show up eventually because you know, blonde and British, it’s a thing with me. Sometimes you wake up and you just have a British blonde on the mind. And by you I mean me because it might only happen to me. But it does. Besides, it’s always nice when I post someone brand new, it’s good that I have UK scouts to keep me updated like that. I could still use scouts in other countries though so you know if you want my submit box is open for resumes. Anyway, she is pretty and pleasant and her show was silly and fun and today I want to fuck Rachel Riley.
I have not slept well like all week and am just crazy tired. Almost so tired that I won’t go to 7-11 for a free Slurpee. Almost. Anyway, Slurpees don’t really have a lot to do with Mosh cause it is hard to imagine her drinking a Slurpee. I actually saw some candid picture of her once drinking out of a paper cup at some fast food place or something and it was like world shattering because of course she’s a real person who does real things but she is so beautiful and glamorous that it is hard to imagine her doing every day things. How did I think she quenched her thirst? I dunno, maybe like little pixies carried leaves holding drops of fresh morning dew and poured it onto her tongue? It’s hard for me to really conceptualize someone who looks so.. I am not sure what the word is, other worldly? Resplendent? Ethereal? Something that means not quite of this world for sure, but someone who looks like she’s on another level like her actually having basic human needs and stuff. Except obviously she does. That is one of Mosh’s secrets though, isn’t it? There is a confidence and dignity she manages to project that even naked I would imagine other people around her are the ones who feel under dressed. It’s a talent. Also, I should add in case you didn’t notice, she’s beautiful. That is a big part of the draw also. Anyway, I still can’t really imagine her going to get a free Slurpee today but maybe a unicorn will ride up and bring her one or something. Today I want to fuck Miss Mosh.
The past couple of weeks have seen a bunch of pictures of Candice Swanepoel doing her new campaign for Free People which has been very nice to see because she has looked very good during it. Also she’s wearing clothing which is also nice. I am not saying I am opposed to seeing her in her underwear or in bikinis, I am just saying it is nice to get variety. I also think pictures in clothing often have more personality. Plus she’s obviously a very skilled model, I hate seeing anyone pigeon holed, really for any type of work. Plus they are just pretty pictures. That’s always a nice bonus. So she has looked good and today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Holly Willoughby has shown up a lot here for someone who really is not any part of my life. I know that’s an odd way to phrase that because Kate Upton isn’t swinging by to have a beer with me but being an American she shows up all over the place like on magazine covers and stuff at the grocery store. My life is going to intersect somehow with American celebrities thus forcing them into my mind. I would have to put a ton of effort into seeing anything with Holly Willoughby in it. Sometimes I make the effort to find pictures of her but usually I don’t hunt her down, she just pops into my head. I don’t know why exactly but I think it has something to do with this sort of vibe she just radiates. It’s sort of wholesome. Like I saw something once where she was described as the “girl next door type” which is bullshit because I have lived lots of places and the girls next door didn’t look like that. But there was a perception about her and her looks that she was just naturally pretty and just down to Earth. Which is all very silly because having that body and that face puts you in a very small minority of people, there is nothing common about it. That’s the secret of her appeal though, I think, is that it feels that way. Reality be damned she has just a warmth about her, she has a pretty, friendly smile that seems welcoming. I think there is just something comfortable and comforting about her. I would say motherly but that sounds squicky just suggesting it but I think you know the vibe I mean, Holly Willoughby kind of makes you feel comfortable and safe. So maybe that’s why she shows up. Maybe. Today I want to fuck Holly Willoughby.
Here is Kelly Brook in various pieces of swimwear because it’s summer. It just felt right. Also they are pictures that don’t look like they were taken from behind some bushes which is a bit of a problem when dealing with her sometimes. I mean, given what I know about the British press I guess people could actually be literally hiding in bushes, once you’re hacking dead teenagers phones nothing seems that bad I guess. But I see a lot of Kelly Brook but it’s a lot of her trying to have fun privately and that feels creepy. So here are pictures where that mostly isn’t the case, though I guess she is on vacation in one, which makes me culpable as a consumer of the creepy peeping pictures. But… well, I’m not perfect and she generally looks good in a bikini. She has good taste in swimwear. I am not really a bikini person for the most part, generally I think it’s kind of boring but I get the appeal sometimes. Plus Kelly Brook is really pretty. Today I want to fuck Kelly Brook.
I had to go double check to see if I had posted Ashley Benson before because she seems like someone I could have posted. I haven’t though. Both would have made sense to me, she seems to be one of those people I just know the name of and who she is almost by osmosis. I guess Pretty Little Liars started and soon I knew all the stars names and what they looked like. I don’t know why exactly because I have never watched the show, it just became one of those things i knew. Maybe it’s because they are popular on tumblr so of course they kept popping up. I had to look if i had ever seen anything with her in it before. The answer was mostly no, an episode of Supernatural, How I Met Your Mother, and oh yeah, I saw Spring Breakers. Of course, no one got posted from Spring Breakers because I found the movie aggressively unsexy. I guess girls in bikinis was sexy no matter what for some people. Anyway, I am not going to get into all of that, she has shown up a lot on my dash in the past month and I guess I was finally worn down because that shoot she did for Complex was on my mind and… well, today I want to fuck Ashley Benson.
I thought I was joking yesterday when I declared this America weekend or whatever (which is funny on it’s own because let’s be honest, every weekend is America weekend) but here I am posting McKayla Maroney who should fill us all with Patriotic fervor. Or at least respect. Which is going to lead me down a path of lecturing people I don’t know so buckle up! I continue to see basically two sets of comments about her, one where people refer to her as like… we’ll shorten the phrase to tease and the other where people basically talk about how she is a remarkably frivolous person for posting vines of herself being goofy. These bother me for lots of reasons, the tease one cause, um, no, you’ve never met her, or probably any of the celebrities you attach that too. They aren’t teasing you. They don’t actually give a fuck about you because they don’t even know you exist. That’s kind of human nature though, we often forget that we are not the smartest, cleverest center of the universe. And yeah, she probably forgets that, too, given that she works the angles pretty hard in her selfies. That’s part of being young though, you think adults are stupid and never put together than you didn’t invent shit. I promise you there were artists angling just so when doing self portraits 200 years ago. The second… the idea that having fun or you know, not caring if you look silly somehow lowers a person’s worth. Well, first, maybe you should take yourself out of the habit of going around judging human worth because… that’s a really dangerous dehumanizing path but also just stop watching. Your life will be so much richer if you stop consuming stuff you hate. I promise. And then finally I just included the final gifs because I want to point out that McKayla Maroney can do a thing with her body no one reading this can. Unless you happen to be a world class gymnast. If you are drop me a line, I am fascinated by what you do and basically want to know how you don’t throw up after doing flips like that. Seriously, sometimes I sit funny and my back gets sore and then I am just like, “Fuck today” and give up on doing anything productive, so your world is strange and foreign to me. Anyway, I should probably have some way to pull this all together but I don’t Sometimes things just don’t work out, maybe that will make you feel better when you sublimate your jealousy of youth into anger at youth. Don’t worry, their lives are going to be full of disappointment one day, too! So, you know, because America… today I want to fuck McKayla Maroney.
So yesterday’s Kate Upton post proved to be the most popular post about Kate Upton in a long time. I can only assume this is because of America and patriotic fervor. As such I have decided this is 4th of July weekend. It’s not just a day anymore, we’re the 9th fattest country in the world, we need some space to spread out and relax. It’s a 3 day weekend now. Thus here is Emily Ratajkowski. Because America guys. America. Look guys, I was a history major at one point in my life so I know my shit, and when Benjamin Franklin invented electricity even he couldn’t have known how it would change the world. But we all know, don’t we? That’s right, we do, so I am going to go ahead and say that if you don’t like and reblog this there is a very real chance your precious iPhone will melt in your hand. Or blow up. Or travel back in time to kill your mother before you were born. My point is there are some catastrophic consequences out there, it’s just how time travel works. Trust me, I know, I was a history major. Now, some might say I am just wrapping myself in the flag to use it as a shield to pursue my own self interests. To that I say what is more American than that, commie? Well, Girls in bikini tops for one. I know because I get up in America and posters of girls in bikinis were everywhere. And American flags. Well Emily Ratajkowski has managed to combine both of those things into one picture. Because America, guys. Today I want to fuck Emily Ratajkowski.
Who I want to Fuck Today 