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Kate Upton is back in this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and thank god.  I mean, it wasn’t painful without her but Kate’s best work is often in a swimsuit so I missed her last year.  It seems a lot of people did because she’s currently trending on twitter.  Ranking above the fact that our President and his advisors colluded with the Russians.  Jesus, this country used to hate communism more than anything, even more than it loved boobs.  Better red than dead, guys.  Have you seen the Soviet Swimsuit Issue?  No, you haven’t. It’s the Soviet Parka edition because all it does is snow in Russia and that’s all that’ll happen here if we give in to this horseshit.  Better dead than red, guys. And before someone sends me something about the fall of communism I would like to point out that first of all, I don’t care.  Second of all, better dead than red just sounds better than better dead than the cronies of a oligarcic kleptocracy run by a former KGB agent turned Autocrat.  Anyway, Fiji sure is pretty to look at huh?  Well you know what, I agree but the Russians don’t.  They will take away Fiji and Kate Upton’s boobs if they get the chance.  Do you want that? No?  Then go buy a subscription to the Washington Post, it’s only like $3 on amazon.  I went with only picture from the Swimsuit issue today because sometimes in rare cases I do that.  I did that because I think Kate looked great this year.  I have heard some complaints that it is similar to previous years from her but she looked great in those years so the transitive property means she looks great this year, too.  So here she is looking great. Today I want to fuck Kate Upton.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.  I hope you have a good one.  Like regardless of your relationship status or anything like that.  I know some people can really feel the drag of this day.  Believe me I know.  The ghosts of past relationships and unkissed kisses can haunt your life and you can feel them starting to take on substance to drag you down.  The dull ache can turn into a throb.  I get it, it can be hard and if you’re in that spot you have my sincerest sympathies.  It’s tough.  But it gets better.  Time heals all wounds and all of that. I mean, the real truth is if your past relationship didn’t work there was a reason and you might be miserable now but it’s a misery that will pass and get better with time.  Being in a bad relationship?  That’s a misery that continues as long as the relationship does.  You can fight and fight but you’re just going to hang on to something that makes you unhappy.  So what I am saying is you’re in a better place now than you were before, so hang on to that.  Besides, being single has it’s perks.  Not that you came her for any of that, I am just saying guys, I know today can fuck with people and if you’re one of those people I am sorry.  If you need someone to talk to you can message me.  But it isn’t so bad. I mean, look, if you feel really bad about not being with someone I want you to close your eyes and imagine yourself in a small cafe on the south bank.  The air is crisp and clean and the only thing that keeps the moment from being entirely peaceful is the couple off to the right desperately trying to redefine their relationship as they turn their relationship into a self-perpetuating misery machine of their own making.  Now open your eyes.  See, being single is great. Also I mean, you can just buy yourself a box of damn candies and eat the entire fucking thing.  Who are you trying to impress?  That said, here is Blake Lively. She wore a dress with hearts on it and that feels like Valentines Day to me. Also she’s beautiful.  Today I want to fuck Blake Lively.

The Grammys and the Baftas were last night and that’s a whole lot of red carpet to go through but luckily my choice was made easy by the fact that Charli XCX was wearing a beautiful red gown and I am a sucker for her.  So is @she-goes-to-eleven, my friend, who frankly runs a blog that I can’t decide if it’s a gay blog that is dirty or a dirty blog that’s gay but it’s one of those two things.  Anyway, it’s her birthday so wish her happy birthday (and by that I mean you know, send her an ask or something saying happy birthday.  It shouldn’t need to be said but it most definitely needs to be said this is not an invitation for dick pics.  Now, to a thinking man, or woman but this really doesn’t apply there, you would realize that a lesbian doesn’t want dick pics.  Well, a thinking man would realize no stranger wants random dick pics.  In general, as a rule of thumb, I would say imagine you were in front of that person, not just on the internet.  Now, is it appropriate to take your penis out and show it to the other person or is it a sex crime?  You’ll find the same is true with dick pics.  But more specifically I am going to say that approximately 99.9% of lesbians do not want to see your penis.  I don’t want to rule out the possibility that somewhere there is a lesbian way into seeing your penis but I believe she is a rare enough creature that she realizes she should just come out and ask because otherwise no one is going to know she wants to see your penis. But, I digress, my point is don’t send Kat pictures of your penis.  This is a thing people have done for some reason.  And by some reason I mean because she’s a woman and all men secretly believe they have a magical penis and that if the show it to a girl she’ll believe it tastes like happiness and… I don’t know, fall in love with him?  Whatever, just wish her happy birthday).  So Charli looked great and it’s nice to have at least one friend that appreciates that.  I am not calling out my other friends.  I am just saying it’s nice to have common ground with people.  Today I want to fuck Charli XCX.

I should probably be posting something from one of the various awards going on this weekend but I am not.  In part cause I slept all morning and was awake at various parts of the night and man, I am a mess.  Just a mess.  Anyway, I caught up on Riverdale and I was pretty critical of the show after the pilot and still have my issues but am warming up to it.  I didn’t really want a dark re-imagining of the Archie universe because one of the best things about Archie is that it is a bunch of light, funny comics about a bunch of teenagers that has run for 70 plus years and has never taken a negative view of the youth of America.  They are largely good kids.  I didn’t want to see a take about the kids getting their sick and twisted kicks and it sure looked like we were in for that (the pilot pulls out the hoariest of hoary cliches by having a male student fuck his teacher.  This never leads to interesting stories and somehow it is never addressed that this makes the teacher a rapist and shouldn’t that scare us all?) But at this point I am warming up and in part because it seems like they are all decent kids.  Too many secrets that make me roll my eyes but these aren’t terrible people thus far.  Which is nice because I have always been team Veronica but you don’t really need a team.  Betty and Veronica have been rivals at points but always friends.  Which is, in my opinion, a relief and something that isn’t addressed often enough as a fantastic thing about the comics.  So why am I team Veronica?  Because Betty would probably be a better girlfriend in every way, is a wholly decent and good person but uh… Veronica is vaguely dismissive and too good for everyone and that’s kind of hot.  Basically because I am an idiot.  Anyway, Camila Mendes plays Veronica on the new show and among the issues I had with the pilot was the lines they shoved in her mouth that no human being could say convincingly.  It lead to what felt like a bad Blair Waldorf impression.  But that has goes away already and I am back to adoring Veronica.  And I am liking Camila Mendes take so far.  And is anyone still reading?  Who cares this much about Archie besides me?  No one.  Well, one guy.  I worked with one guy who was full on obsessed and used to buy those digests at the grocery store all the time and read him during break when we were in high school.  So some dude named Eric cares.  And I care.  Today I want to fuck Camila Mendes.

The Grammys are this weekend and that should make for an exciting evening of pictures tomorrow night but earlier this weekend we are getting some Grammys related stuff.  Kate Upton was at a thing honoring Tom Petty and I endorse all parts of that, that Tom Petty is great and Kate Upton showing up at things.  I actually kinda liked her dress which is why she is here.  I realize “kinda like” is maybe not the highest praise but you know it’s good, I like it, it isn’t the dress of the year or anything.  It’s more one of those where I kinda dig it but can’t entirely put my finger on what it is.  And I’ll be honest, I have different standards for different people.  Not that I am cutting the tall, busty blonde woman a break cause she has it so hard looking good but you know, her red carpet stuff is sometimes not my favorite stuff.  So I probably like the stuff that is good more than I would for some people who tend to knock it out of the park on the red carpet.  The bigotry of low expectations I guess but in this case it’s in a situation that basically doesn’t matter.  I am rambling.  Sorry, I have slept about 5 total hours since Wednesday.  I am a mess.  Today I want to fuck Kate Upton.

So Aubrey Plaza is wearing Pink Wigs for the New York Post for some reason?  I feel like I missed a step in this new photoshoot but I won’t complain.  I happen to adore Aubrey Plaza and she doesn’t show up here nearly often enough anymore.  Because Parks and Rec is gone and sorely missed.  Maybe she’ll be in some great new movie soon that I am unaware of.  Anyway, I thought she looked great but given I know someone who always used to get confused when I posted Aubrey Plaza and Audrey Kitching, the pink hair won’t help.  I love it though.  Today I want to fuck Aubrey Plaza.

So there was an amFar Gala last night and that’s always good.  It’s a good cause.  It tends to get nice looking people nicely dressed and gathered into a single place.  So, good news all around.  And there were indeed some options to choose from last night.  Victoria Justice’s dress was fantastic.  I loved it.  She was almost here. But you know… it turns out Scarlett Johansson is beautiful. And, you know, I like a good tux.  But mostly it’s the fact that she’s beautiful. Given I have posted her almost 50 times you think I would have figured it out before now.  Oh well, I am here to break the news.  Scarlett Johansson is beautiful.  And you know, she’s single now again and I have had a thing for her since like 2001.  So, you know… look, I know it’s a slim shot but what I am saying is given her situation and my situation, if I play my cards right I can probably end up with a restraining order put on me.  It’s a dream at least. Today I want to fuck Scarlett Johansson.

I watched Jimmy Kimmel last night because Charli XCX was on it and I was up anyway.  I am here to tell you that Late Night TV has totally lost it’s luster for me but Charli looked fantastic.  I wish I could show you but it turns out there are basically like no pictures of it so you’ll have to take my word.  I mean, you can trust me.  You won’t.  Not some of you.  I imagine about five of you will take my word for it and you’re the same five who always seem down with me posting Charli and those of you it annoys for some reason will not believe me.  Which is kind of hurtful guys.  But I am not going to be able to convince you when I tell you she was on a set made of white shag carpet and was wearing a silver lined white fur coat and I happened to like both.  And I am not sure why.  I am old enough to remember all those suburban basements that still had shag carpet. Sure it was 10-15 years out of date but that’s how the real world works, you get that trendy shag and it’s expensive to fix  And in a basement it was a terrible idea, it always had this smell about it probably because it was always vaguely damp.  I remember playing Atari in this basement of this house two blocks over, the mom used to watch us all sometimes and i remember sometimes if you set a book down on the carpet it would get stuck and would be slightly damp.  Jesus, why did they shove us down there as kids?  It was probably a moldy death trap. Anyway, that tangent aside, have I convinced you how good Charli looked last night?  You might think none of that is sexy but I am saying she looked good and I apparently have deep-seated negative associations with shag I didn’t even realize until I was typing today.  She looked great.  But the best I can do is a picture of her from her instagram of her getting ready.  Where she also looks great.  But is just in a bra, not a white fur coat.  Sorry.  Today I want to fuck Charli XCX.  

This weekend Demi Lovato performed in… Dubai I think?  I could be wrong.  It was some festival I had never heard of and it kinda got lost in the Super Bowl Shuffle (heh, older person joke).  Anyway, she looked great because I pretty much always love how Demi Lovato looks on stage.  On account of her smile and also her thighs which her costumes seem to draw attention to and it turns out I like looking at.  I like looking at her.  She just looks great these days. Today I want to fuck Demi Lovato.

I didn’t get around to watching this weekends SNL until the early hours of this morning because… well, I don’t watch SNL religiously anymore and it was a busy weekend.  Anyway, Kristen Stewart was on it and you may know cause there have been quite a few articles about her saying fuck, which is interesting because I can’t imagine most people care.  But it’s a big deal in the sense that you know, it’s network TV and she’s only like the 5th person to ever slip up like that on SNL and it’s often seen as a bad omen.  Though, I would point out she didn’t declare herself to be the break out star of SNL, so maybe it wasn’t the word fuck that soured everyone on Charles Rocket.  Anyway, it was not a great episode but I quite liked the bits of her we got.  Sometimes I wonder when a celebrity is under used if that is because this doesn’t suit them or if the show made a mistake but the monologue was a stand out to me because it showed how likable Kristen Stewart can be.  And there were some good bits over all.  I even kind of liked when she said fuck because it just felt like actual excitement lead to it and she recovered well.  Anyway, here she is because she looked good and why not just make @she-goes-to-eleven‘s day while I’m at it.  Today I want to fuck Kristen Stewart.