So I am posting Candice Swanepoel for the second time in like a week and that means I don’t have a ton of interesting new things to say really. Like… uh, professional model looks good in bathing suits. Did you guys know that? It’s fascinating. She just keeps popping into my head and that doesn’t really bother me. I’m not fighting it. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Here is Candice Swanepoel because she is very pretty. As long time followers of me know, she is of course obsessed with me, for years sending me nearly naked pictures of herself in the guise of “catalogs” and “advertisements for sales at my local Victoria’s Secret”. It was a little transparent but in recent years she has switched to playing hard to get to try and catch my eye. Getting engaged, having a baby. Now she’s basically just posting pictures of her son all the time and talking about how much she loves being a mom. Still pretty transparent to me, trying a little too hard. But I do have to admit she’s gorgeous and this little picture of her promoting some Givenchy perfume popped up and… well, she looked really good. And because I am such a good person, why not throw her a bone and give her a little thrill to brighten up the hollowness of a fulfilling relationships, life, and family. I can’t help it, guys, I’m a giver. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Here is Candice Swanepoel who is pregnant at the moment. Like I often do, I secretly slipped in a picture of her in such a state, see if you can figure out which on it is! It’s a fun game. Anyway, I bring this up because not too long ago I saw her basically have to say online that if you dislike pictures of pregnant women or you think women look gross when they are pregnant you are free to unfollow her. Which seems pretty obvious to me, that you know, you’re welcome to your opinion so if for some reason the reproductive cycle bothers you why not avoid it? But for some reason, a lot of people’s response I guess is to leave mean comments. Which makes sense, since all social media is opt in, you have to follow her, clearly she’s a monster for making you do that and then continue to do so? Look, I don’t get people who seem to think the world exists to cater to their whims. It just confuses me. Like, what was their childhood like because mine was basically lesson after lesson that no one gives two fucks about what I want, so I am just imaging spoiled kids in short pants with giant lollipops with mothers telling them no one came to their birthday party because they’re all so jealous. Which is reductive, they probably aren’t all losers, some of them are probably quite popular assholes. But it makes me feel better. Anyway, that’s a side track, Candice happens to be pregnant but she’s just here because I saw that first picture of her and was like, hey she sure is beautiful. That’s it. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Here is Candice Swanepoel because why not some Candice Swanepoel. I can’t think of any reason not to. She is very pretty and looks very pretty here and you know, day after a long weekend I feel less rested than I do after a regular weekend. It’s all the pressure of having to capitalize on the long weekend. You get that sad look from people when they ask what you did and your answer is, “Nothing, watched terrible movies and cried myself to sleep because I had nothing to do”. There’s this silent judgment like you must be unhappy with that because it isn’t the way so many people want to spend their time off. Like, suddenly they put on the kid gloves because they feel you must be horribly sad about all of that. So I went outside and to the lake and all sorts of stuff so I didn’t have to deal with any of that. But I am a little worn out as a result. So here is Candice Swanepoel because it takes like zero effort to find her attractive and like zero effort to find good pictures of her. She’s the gift that keeps giving when it comes to pictures. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
This post really stems from the face that I am mildly obsessed with the picture of Doutzen Kroes kissing Candice Swanepoel’s stomach. Not in a sexual way. I guess I need to make that clear cause well… I mean, I know what I named this blog, I brought it on myself. But in an oh man that’s adorable way and I loved seeing all the pictures of them hanging out together and references to Aunty Doutzen and so on. It was adorable. And you know, they are my two favorite Victoria’s Secret models of all time and ti was just very cute and I was like, what if i posted them together? It turns out I am ok with the idea and while it was work, I was willing to go through my pictures of both of them to post some. I did that for you guys. All that hard work of looking at countless pictures trying to find the right ones. You don’t have to say thank you, it’s just who I am. I’m a giver. Anyway, I am still obsessed with that picture and I adore them both so today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel and Doutzen Kroes.
Guys, I am tired and loopy. I slept like garbage last night. This is my third attempt to post someone but the words weren’t coming the first few times so 4 hours and 3 girls later we’ll see if this will work. Candice Swanepoel is pregnant and engaged and I can only assume this is her latest tactic to attract me. This is the hard to get phase, a bit of reverse psychology. Get married, have some kids, settle down, make me wonder what I’m missing. It’s a long 18+ year con. Pretty crafty, Candy. Anyway, here are some pictures of her, I included one where she is pregnant, see if you can guess which ones. Man, I should write clickbaity headlines for Buzzfeed for a living. Candice Swanepoel is pregnant in one of these pictures but it’s not the one you think! Except then it totally is. And people share it to show their friends how stupid it is but that’s exactly what they want. They don’t care if it’s right guys, they just want clicks, when you share links to it to show how vapid or worthless a headline it is still what they want. It’s all a trap. Which brings me back to Candice, who again, clearly trying to trap me. Someone even told me the other day apparently no more catalogs are going to be mailed out? Once again, hard to get. Very crafty. It’s sorta working I guess because today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
I was going to post someone else today but there Candice Swanepoel goes, trying to get my attention again. It’s pretty blatant at this point. I mean, dressing as a super hero is kind of the most obvious way to try and get me to notice you. I am willing to admit that some people, if they work at it, could argue in the past that my claims that Candice Swanepoel is very clearly trying to seduce me have other explanations. Like, the reasons I keep getting pictures of her in her underwear in the mail is because she “works for a large international clothing company” and her entire job is to “model their clothing including underwear” and their business model has long included “mail order products that include catalog sales” (I wish you guys could see the bitching air quotes I am making with my fingers each time). Sure, I guess if someone wants to delude themselves they could convince themselves of those things. But Spider-Gwen? Come on. Mixing Superheroes and fashion? Marvel comics superheroes at that? I mean… it’s pretty blatant. You’d have to be some sort of lunatic who doesn’t think the world revolves around me to miss how obvious this is. Pretty tricky, Candy, pretty tricky. Well, it worked for today. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Merry Christmas one and all! Here is Candice Swanepoel for Christmas because of that first picture which, let’s be honest, anyone who knows me knows is kind of a thing for me. The Christmas themed lingerie. Just further proof Candice Swanepoel is obsessed with me and again trying to attract my attention. Since it’s Christmas I am throwing her a bone and posting her, I am sure it will mean a lot to her. That is what happened. I am full of Christmas spirit. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good day. I know Christmas isn’t always happy for everyone and if you’re one of those people be strong. You can get through this and if you need to you can send me a message, I have my phone, I’ll respond even if it takes a little bit. Maybe pictures of a beautiful woman will take the sting away. Marry Christmas everyone, today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Here is Candice Swanepoel because something about her most recent pictures have been calling to me. By most recent I mean like the last 400 or so? You know, about 2 weeks worth for her. Maybe it’s because it got so cold last night I had to get up and get another blanket or because it rained so much the past couple of days. Maybe I just like the way she looks in a bikini. It’s a vast and complex mystery. She looks good as always but something recently has just caught my eye in an extra way. I can’t explain it. Which is a shame since this blog is about explaining such things. Oh well. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.
Here is Candice Swanepoel because I am really tired today. I realize that sounds like an odd justification but today I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. I have no explination as to why. I had trouble getting to sleep last night but I did eventually. Still… I am out of it today. So like I saw pictures of Candice Swanepoel and my brain basically grunted “pretty girl” And that’s it. I have nothing else. She is beautiful and very good at being beautiful and thus here she is. Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepeol.
Who I want to Fuck Today 