Tag: Athlete

Friday afternoon I discovered rhythmic gymnastics (my friend @wildflagsure claims it’s her favorite event but she never mentioned it to me so probably trying to ride my coattails here.  I discovered it).  Yeah, I discovered it.  I put a flag down and claimed it for America.  I’m the Columbus of the Olympics. Obviously I knew it was a thing and I feel like I must have seen it but maybe I only saw it in like… my old roommates anime and that shit drove me to irrational anger because anime does that.  Bullying makes no sense until someone is chortling at some kid getting a bloody nose because he saw panties.  Then every fiber of my being wants to give swirlies until someone drowns.  Anyway, I feel like I have never really watched it because I watched it and it is staggeringly beautiful.  Just amazing what a human body can do, not just athletic difficulty but to move so fluidly and gracefully.  I would not believe it possible had I not seen it.  Now, I don’t much care for judged sports.  I never trust something that requires judges and I don’t think I care for not being able to know if the judges are right or not.  Other sports I watch only every 4 years, it’s pretty simple. Handball, Field Hockey, et al. if the ball goes in the goal, they scored, the team that does that more wins.  I am missing many of the nuances but I don’t have to wonder who really won.  I watch this and except for the time a girl dropped the ball (which I hated, she looked like she wanted to die.  I hate that with judged sports, too, they require a level of perfection that makes a mistake, something much more recoverable in say, basketball or something, crushing and you get to see a person’s dreams die before you as the camera focuses on them just sitting there looking either numb or ready to die) I have no idea who was better than someone else.  They were all amazing.  I would have given them all 10’s, again having no idea what the highest score is, I would have just given 10’s across the board, even for the girl who dropped the ball because shit, I drop the mustard bottle making a sandwich at least once a week.  Can you imagine if someone ran into my kitchen and slapped my sandwich out of my hand and told me I don’t get to eat for 4 years and then I’ll probably be too old so how about I go fuck myself?  No, she gets a 10 as well. Anyway, this is only a little bit about how I want to turn medals into participation ribbons when I feel bad for people, it’s mainly about national security. Yana Kudryavtseva took the silver and given she is an absolutely beautiful Russian Olympian I have to assume she is a spy set on bringing down democracy and making us live on a steady diet of government cheese and vodka.  And here’s the thing guys, I am worried about.  I mean, obviously as an expert, I owned Live and Let Die and For Your Eyes Only on VHS as a kid and have seen each one like 20 times at least, I understand the advantage of say a long jumper like Darya Klishina to the spy game.  I assume our secret bases are loaded with chasms with swinging blades and stuff and she has to jump across them to turn off the switch and let the other communists across to steal our freedom.  I get that but it’s also very counterable, just make the chasms wider or put like spikes on the other side or something.  Threat thwarted!  But this stuff?  I couldn’t take my eyes off the Rhythmic Gymnastics and she’s the second best in the world at it?  Just give her a hula hoop and we’re doomed.  She can just do her routine in front of a bunch guards and Ivan Stealavich and Natasha Communisinski can just waltz in and take whatever and we’ll never notice because we’ll just be enraptured.  I can’t think of a way to counter it so probably the only option is for some amazingly charming westerner to sleep with her so she’ll see the error of her ways.  It works a lot.  Or after she’ll try to kill said Westerner.  One of the two, either way because I am basically a hero.  I am volunteering for the sake of humanity.  Today I want to fuck Yana Kudryavtseva.

I am watching the bronze medal match for field hockey and as a reminder I will point out later today that Ellen Hoog and the Netherlands will be playing for the goal so all those people who have been interested in who she is (and again, I do name her in the post, so I am confused as to why you are confused) can see her at 4 PM today.  The Bronze match is always a little melancholy for me because someone is going home empty handed despite a whole lot of work.  I am sure it will be heartbreaking and heartbreak sucks.  You put all your heart and soul into something and it doesn’t work out and it’s all you can do to keep it together sometimes.  Which brings me to the real point of today’s post and the point of the Olympics.  My friend @wildflagsure is going through some heartbreak and the real truth is there is nothing any of us can do to make that better.  We can’t just turn it off or make things ok because that’s not how the world works.  But we can all help a little by sending her a message and trying our best to brighten her day.  It’s part of the Olympic spirit because she’s Greek, so you’ll be fostering relations with another nation.  I mean, chances are you aren’t Greek.  Not like, real Greek, like her.  Like, I mean real Greek, like all real Greek women she has been seduced by Zeus disguised as something else at some point, she only eats gyros, and has to walk around on egg shells because you pick the wrong god damned flower and some total dick of a nymph will turn you into a tree.  Anyway, you should reach out and just tell her you hope she has a good day or… anything really.  It sucks to be heartbroken.  And so I am posting Ellen Hoog today because she is playing but also the part I like best about the Olympics is that it can make me feel pretty good.  I’d like my friend to feel good.  Also, she did agree that Ellen Hoog is hot, which makes sense because Greek people have eyes like the rest of us.  Oh my god, the Olympics are working, I’m realizing we’re all not so different.  We all have eyes and are attracted to Ellen Hoog.  Amazing.  Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.

This is Darya Klishina who, until proven otherwise, I am just going to assume is a spy out to bring down Western Civilization.  The Cold War is back for this Olympics and I couldn’t be more excited.  It’s just nice to have a villain and this time without all the (ok, as much) repression of people in Eastern Europe by their corrupt governments.  I can’t pinpoint the exact point it happened but I just know at some point Vladimir Putin wanted Moose and Squirrel so badly that he put the full weight of his corrupt plutocratic kleptocracy behind injecting his athletes with whatever they had lying around in syringes in mothballed KGB secret super soldier facilities.  The result is that a lot of people, especially Americans took umbrage with this because as an American I can tell you we believe in the individual versus the collective.  It’s the basic divide between Eastern and Western philosophy. So basically, as Americans, we feel like if you’re going to cheat you should cheat for yourself.  This thing where there is state sponsored cheating, that’s no good.  You should win on the merits of your own cheating because that’s what the Olympics is about.  Anyway, the result is the entire Russian Track and Field team was banned from the Olympics except for Darya here.  And then before the weekend they decided she was banned because a urine sample of hers from a few years ago had suspicious scratch marks.  Then yesterday she was reinstated by the appeals process.  She jumps tonight.  Long jump, sorry, if you don’t know.  I happen to find her quite attractive in that way I find pure evil attractive.  Now, she may be a very nice person but again, I can only assume at some point tonight she will complete a jump that will put a competitor in a coma, at which point she will comment, “If she dies she dies”.  Because I saw a documentary about boxing in the 80’s and that’s what Russians say.  Anyway, she is very hot and I am glad she is getting to compete cause like… the cheating stuff kinda sucks, I am tired of not being sure if I can trust my sports, but it would really suck to be yanked off the Olympics at the 11th hour.  Even if she is pure, red evil.  Today I want to fuck Darya Klishina.

I am streaming field hockey on my phone next to my computer as I work here and as I was typing this yesterday’s pick just was part of a pretty cool scoring play.  New Zealand is handling Australia pretty well.  This is going to be about Ellen Hoog though, as a public service.  Which, ok, obviously this blog is almost always a public service.  You’re welcome.  But I posted her a few days ago and it got a pretty good reaction, including a lot of “Oh my god” and “Who is she?” sort of things sent my way.  Which… um, that second question, I get that sometimes and I really want to point out all those words that follow the pictures? That usually answers that.  At least a little bit.  But I get it, she’s gorgeous.  Like model gorgeous.  It’s why pictures of her are easy because she’s pretty and pretty enough that just being pretty would probably be enough for her to show up in pictures if she wanted but she’s also a two time gold medalist and an elite athlete.  So the public service part is this: you can see her play today.  Sure there is only a quarter left in the game I am watching right now but Ellen Hoog? Her match is at 7:30 ET tonight.  You have lots of time to prepare for that, and since The Dutch seem to be the best at this, you can watch the best do it.  And after some discussion yesterday it was concluded their Orange uniforms are the prettiest uniforms.  They do really pop on the blue turf.  So you know, give it a shot.  Because it’s fun and she’s gorgeous.  Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.

So yesterday I watched some depressing diving and some Track and Field but didn’t watch as much of the Olympics as I usually do cause I got busy.  But I did manage to sneak in a replay of some Field Hockey when I couldn’t sleep.  This is Charlotte Harrison, who is part of the New Zealand team and is ridiculously photogenic.  This is her second Olympics, which feels really impressive given she isn’t that old but apparently she joined that national team at 16 so this is all very old hat for her, she was even an alternate for the 2008 games.  She is really attractive, to the point that yesterday I had a friend who seemed surprised she and a few other girls were so pretty.  Not in a negative way, she is not that kind of person but in a, “we all still probably have some expectations for female athletes that are out dated”.  When I was a kid the stereotype about female athletes was giant man beasts with facial hair and hideous features. Now, as with any stereotype there were probably contributing factors.  For one, with women’s athletics simply being less accepted you can see how outsiders who didn’t fit in might be more drawn to it, just like the nerd stereotype for sci-fi and so on.  And yeah, being less attractive can push you that way.  There was also the rampant steroid use, especially among some uh… redder countries during the era the also may have negatively impacted things.  I would imagine most of it had to do with the idea that girls were lesser, girls were not supposed to play sports, thus any woman playing sports was just a woman who couldn’t land a husband.  That might seem extreme but I feel like it was the root of it.  It’s amazing how things have changed.  Somewhere along the line someone realized that athletes are in remarkable shape.  I guess they always knew that, which is why people talk about how hot some male athlete with a goofy face is because he has abs on his abs.  Well, it turns out that women that are in better shape than pretty much anyone you have ever known personally also can be attractive.  Throw in the literally thousands of athletes there, some of them will also have remarkably beautiful faces.  On top of that, it turns out that people who are really good at what they do are hot.  So like… Charlotte Harrison has a pretty face.  She is also among the best in the world at what she does.  I am not saying this as an expert on field hockey, I am saying that as an expert on very simple math.  She’s one of the couple hundred field hockey players at the Olympics and that puts her at the least in the top couple hundred field hockey players in the world and guys, there are a lot of people in the world.  Like, at least thousands.  Probably more.  I’m not going to check.  Anyway, it stands out the differences in reality and expectations because I have noticed a lot this time people have been stunned by some of my posts that human beings who have honed their body to perfection are actually like… pretty hot.  So here is another one for you guys, Charlotte Harrison is pretty hot.  And I even saw her score a goal the other day.  So today I want to fuck Charlotte Harrison.

When I was a kid one day at the pool we were having a diving competition. Which was really a misnomer because the point was to make the biggest splash, which from what I can tell watching the Olympics is the opposite of the point of a diving competition.  Anyway, I had no hope of winning because I was really undersized when I was younger and was usually about a year younger than my peers.  But I did proclaim I knew the ultimate dive to make a big splash called the Bald Eagle.  I confided this in a kid who was easily the biggest dick at the pool.  I know you’re really not to declare kids to be dicks but let’s be honest, some are, and this kid was just a little asshole.  So I knew he’d steal my dive when I describe it.  The Bald Eagle involved getting your arms under your knees to make “wings” and landing crotch first in the water with your legs spread wide thanks to your arms.  The result was not much of a splash but the water delivering a nice solid kick to the nuts.  I knew he’d steal it and he did and man was he in pain.  I learned very early in life that you can get more done with a wink and a smile than you can with anything else, just be a little bit charming and you’ll be able to get the biggest dick at the pool to hit himself in the nuts.  I am telling you this story to illustrate the depth of my knowledge about diving. That’s it, I know how to make children hurt themselves, that is as far as it goes really.  Also, my realization that we are often influenced by factors that are less that objective, no matter what we think, charm and other suck things play a bigger factor in decisions than we think.  So what I am saying is I would be a terrible diving judge.  I watch it and every time it’s like, “Oh fuck, that girl jumps and spun and went in the water, that was amazing”.  They would all get 10’s. And Kassidy Cook would benefit the most from this because she is adorable and beautiful and so like, if the whole thing is someone is supposed to look good in the water?  Well, she looks good doing everything, instant 10.  Are 10’s the highest score in diving?  I honestly don’t know.  I watch but I know next to nothing.  Anyway, my real point here is that today I want to fuck Kassidy Cook.

I really feel like this post should start with an apology to like half the girls I knew in high school.  I never watched you play field hockey and part of that was I was busy but part of that was it sure sounded boring.  Turns out I was wrong, it’s actually pretty engaging, though I could do with out the bright blue Boise State Astroturf at this Olympics.  Anyway, I have been watching a good bit of it this week and I am not an expert but I know a few tings because I am me.  One is that the Dutch team is really good.  And that Ellen Hoog has been among the most suggested athletes for me to post on this blog since London at least. She’s won two gold medals with the team and is also notably very attractive.  I think maybe she’s a big star in the Netherlands?  Or maybe not at all, it’s impossible to tell from the outside but it seems like she is.  They seem to take their field hockey very seriously.  Anyway, I am watching them play New Zealand, who also appear to be very good, and am impressed by the athleticism but also that these teams look like they are loaded with supermodels.  Which kinda makes sense because I was sent an article this weekend about the hottest team at the Olympics being this Dutch team.  I didn’t even know the IOC tracked that but there we go.  They appear to be very good at what they do and I worry for their bare legs but it feels like there should be some padding there, that ball is coming in pretty fast.  I would at least want pants.  Today I want to fuck Ellen Hoog.

This post was truly inevitable because I have been asked if I am just going to post athletes during the Olympics and… maybe?  I dunno.  I don’t plan this in advance, the title of this blog is pretty dead on.  It’s certainly possible because I love the Olympics and it will mainly be what I am watching for two weeks.  So… sorry, obscure actresses from horror movies, you’ll have to wait.  This post was always coming through because as much as I enjoy the Olympics I have a deep, abiding love for the Women’s National Team.  And Alex Morgan is like the avatar of that affection in that I absolutely love her (Maybe I should be posting Mallory Pugh after last night but…).  Like… I would try to describe it but that’s why we have poets, so I’ll let the poets take over here:

Because I am a real American, today I want to fuck Alex Morgan.

So when Missy Franklin didn’t set the world on fire last night I think I was like a lot of people surprised.  Because you know, it’s easy to forget that life continues to happen for athletes in the four years between Olympics and I remember her being the darling of Team USA in 2012 and I guess just assumed she must still be awesome.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was lucky to even make the games.  I did a bunch of reading on it because I was curious and it seems there are a lot of questions as to why she is actually swimming slower than she did in London at 17.  Boy, everything is to blame from just that’s how life works to body changes to injuries to the fact that she didn’t go pro.  I’ll be honest, my favorite villain in this is the NCAA because it’s an organization that exists to exploit the free labor of children and people who were just recently children, so it’s not hard for me to find a reason to dislike them.  I am not here to blame any of that though, I am here to say I was wrong. I was like, “Why isn’t she still amazing,” but it turns out she’s still amazing and that’s important to note.  We should all be so gracious and kind in defeat as Missy Franklin is.  She still has that amazing smile and warmth and talks about team and country.  Among the many reasons people site for her fall off is she spent too much time making appearances for things like Arthur Ashe kids at children’s hospitals because apparently she can’t say no the helping charities. We should all be so amazing.  I saw a quote about how when she decided not to go pro so she could attend college (and again, you should hear what a bag full of dicks the NCAA was the entire time) she has given up an estimated $5 million in earnings and does she regret it and of course she doesn’t because you can’t put a price on the friendships she made and experiences she had. So given the headlines I have seen that range from calling her a dud (yes really) and asking if the pressure got to her (probably not, you know, she does have 4 gold medals in a drawer somewhere) I realized Missy Franklin doesn’t really have a problem.  We have a problem.  We could all learn from her and that delightful smile and I guess I am posting this to say I still love her and we should all be thankful for her and people like her.  Today I want to fuck Missy Franklin.

I hope you guys liked Charlotte Caslick on Saturday cause you’re getting her again today.  What can I say, I just want to dominate her tag since I on Saturday I was only the second person to have ever tagged her in a post.  Well, that and I keep thinking about her.  It’s her fault really for being so dynamic to watch on the screen.  The Olympics is just amazing in how much it appeals to me and I realize that isn’t true for everyone but it is for me.  I am watching Beach Volleyball right now between Spain and Qatar and I have no rooting interest in either except early on something about the Qatar guys just appealed and now I really, really care if they win.  Like, really care.  I need them to win guys.  And I had no idea who Charlotte Caslick was before Saturday morning when I saw her cut through an opening in the field and streak in to score but now I really like her and am looking forward to her matches today.  There will be two, one is in a half an hour and the other one is in about 5 hours.  That’ll be for a medal of some sort.  The US is gone (in part because Charlotte chased down a US ball carrier from the opposite field and look, I am not a rugby person, this could be wrong but that’s what it would be in football and in football it almost never happens.  It was impressive) and I choose to blame New Zealand for it.  So that I can shake my fist and say damn those kiwis and root for Australia at this point. Sorry Canadian followers.  Anyway, I love the Olympics for lots of reasons  I love that people and sports get the spotlight that usually wouldn’t.  I love seeing the happiness that comes from someone achieving their dreams.  I love that my country sent more female athletes than male athletes this year.  There is a lot to love. I got pretty emotional when Yusra Mardini won her heat yesterday because the Refugee team might be the first good idea the IOC has had in ages and if you don’t think it’s the best thing you’ve ever heard then you’re wrong.  Some sort of soulless monster who probably roots for Spanish Men’s Beach Volleyball or New Zealand Women’s Rugby Sevens.  Things I am passionately opposed to and have been for at least and hour.  Today I want to fuck Charlotte Caslick.