Tag: Candice Swanepoel

Christmas is right around the corner and here is Candice Swanepoel.  You might wonder what those two things have to do with each other.  The answer is nothing!  They just are both true.  I kinda don’t have a ton to say.  Today is one of those days where I was hemming and hawing about who to pick and I settled on Candice Swanepoel because there are always pictures of Candice Swanepoel waiting to be placed on the internet.  It’s science fact.  If you blink there will be new ones.  Which works out ok on account of her being quite attractive.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

So last night was the actual television broadcast of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and I didn’t really watch but it did for some reason fill me with the urge to try and find pictures of Candice Swanepoel looking adorable.  It wasn’t that hard even if it isn’t the look Victoria’s Secret tends to promote for her.  I always feel like models often don’t get to be called cute ever.  Which kind of makes sense because I think the brain slides right past that when someone is posing in their underwear and putting on their sexy face and stuff.  It feels like a shame though.  I mean, obviously I am sure it is keeping the models up at night, if only strangers on the internet would talk about them being cute!  Being the hero I am, I am here to fix that today.  Finally!  I think she is quite adorable and today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

It was honestly a tough decision as to who to post today cause obviously the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show happened yesterday (I mean, obviously, everyone knows, right?) and it meant there were a lot of people competing for attention.  It was tough enough I dithered some.  Cause like… I was afraid of picking the wrong person?  One day the internet police are going to bust down the door and tell me the blog is over, I didn’t really pick the person my heart knew I should pick.  Well, not so much that as almost like, I am afraid of slighting someone.  Like Taylor Swift is going to be sobbing on the plane back to the states tonight because she tried so hard and I ignored her.  Which some could say is sweet of me to be that concerned but is built upon and inherent self-centeredness where I really deeply and truly believe what I do is something other people care about.  A lot. Which when you think about it is pretty obvious if you think about what this blog is and the fact that i started it.  One day I sat down and was like, “Ok, the world needs to know this shit, I can let the people suffer no longer!"  So her I am world, again bestowing drops of wisdom on you yet again and telling you I have decided Candice Swanepoel won the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  Not only did she look great on stage and at the after party but also in all the lead up stuff.  This is easy because she’s pretty.  They’re all pretty (and in example 7,342 of the internet being a bag full of dicks there was nowhere I went last night and today for pictures that didn’t have people explaining which model was getting fat/aging poorly/was ugly and so on.  Every single model had someone saying so.  And really, if you see beautiful women on stage and your impulse is to go online and explain why they are fat and worthless or old and worn out someone should kick you in the nuts until that urge passes.  Or the clit.  Whatever, we’ll be all inclusive here).  They all looked good but I like Candice Swanepoel best and I really kind of like the golden angel wings.  That’s strange right?  I don’t mean in like a sexual way.  I just think they’re pretty.  I’d be ok with angel wings becoming a new fashion staple.  Sure it would make revolving doors a bitch but sometimes we have to suffer for fashion.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

Once upon a time, like a million years ago now, I was talking about girls with a friend and she told me one of the girls I liked was pretty but she wasn’t really into, “playing dress up”. (Ok, no reason to be coy, it is whole-lies-and-half-smiles who said it).  I think it might have been a nice way of saying she doesn’t like models cause I am pretty sure I was discussing Miss Mosh.  Either way, the simply truth is I really like dress up.  It’s fun.  It’s sexy.  When I saw pictures of Candice Swanepoel dressed as an Angel I was pretty sure she was going to show up here today.  I love the golden wings, I love the way she looks and frankly despite the fact that I have well documented here that she is secretly obsessed with me with what can only be called conclusive-not-at-all-delusional evidence, I happen to like her a lot.  So today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

The best thing about posting Candice Swanepoel, and this is admittedly just a thing for me, is how ridiculously easy it is to dig up pictures for her.  See, I can count on like 200-500 new pictures of her some weeks.  The wonders of mainstream models and catalogs.  I should point out that I started this post off by saying what I like about Candice Swanepoel is that she’s easy and I was about 3 sentences in before I realized how that sounded.  It has derailed me, I had a larger point than the easy of finding pictures but I can’t remember now.  Anyway, she’s pretty so just look at the pictures and enjoy.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

The past couple of weeks have seen a bunch of pictures of Candice Swanepoel doing her new campaign for Free People which has been very nice to see because she has looked very good during it.  Also she’s wearing clothing which is also nice.  I am not saying I am opposed to seeing her in her underwear or in bikinis, I am just saying it is nice to get variety.  I also think pictures in clothing often have more personality.  Plus she’s obviously a very skilled model, I hate seeing anyone pigeon holed, really for any type of work.  Plus they are just pretty pictures.  That’s always a nice bonus.  So she has looked good and today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

There was this Will Ferrel sketch on SNL a really long time ago where he was running a series of political attack ads about his opponent and over time it became clear that the election had taken place months and months ago.  He had won but he was still campaigning, still just decimating the competition.  That sketch came to mind when I saw Candice Swanepoel in black leather at an event for Maxim that was basically all about her being named the hottest woman alive by Maxim.  She looked just staggeringly hot and my thought was, “You know, you can stop campaigning, you’ve already won”.  This was a colossally stupid reaction by me for lots of reasons.  First of all I am willing to believe she has no choice, she just looks amazing, it’s what she does.  Secondly, I don’t think it’s a habit I want to discourage.  In what world do I really want someone to pull her aside and go, “Could you tone it down with the hotness?  We could use less hotness”.  So I admit, that was dumb of me.  I am willing to admit it, keep looking amazing, I am down with it.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

So this happens sometimes, I can’t explain it really.  Candice Swanepoel really didn’t show up here in any real way for much of 2014, now she’s here twice in the same week.  There really is no reason why she of all people would be inconsistent because she is one of the people there are most consistently new pictures of on the entire planet. At the very least there are going to be a slew of new Victoria’s Secret catalog images every week or so.  Hell, as I have documented before she is clearly stalking me as well because no matter what I do pictures of her in her underwear keep showing up in my email AND my actual physical mailbox (did you know Candice personally wants me to show up to a panty sale?  Well I did because I get a post card telling me so once a month with her picture on it).  So in my case, I pretty clearly get a lot of exposure to her.  Maybe that’s the issue, maybe it’s too much and it’s like, oh hey, there’s that gorgeous woman.  Shrug.  And then I move on with my day.  So when she clicks she’ll click a bunch of times in a row because well, I am going to see her a ton. Or maybe I am just filling space rambling with my little joke about how Candice Swanepoel is obsessed with me.  Who know, it’s early guys, like crazy 4 AM early.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

Candice Swanepoel just has not shown up a ton in recent months.  This despite her being in the news for both like… I dunno, coming first in some sort of hotness vote, which I always love because taste is the least democratic thing ever and my friend lunoboom informing me that she would “not be gross to make out with”.  So you guys heard it here first (unless you follow her, then you heard it there first) it would not be gross to make out with Candice Swanepoel.  That’s the sort of hard hitting investigative journalism you come here for I am sure.  Anyway, I put up pictures of her in her underwear today not because I have any sort of thing for underwear but because I found a picture I liked and decided to go with a theme.  And it is really easy to find pictures of her in her underwear.  Never let it be said that I am not willing to put in minimal effort for you guys.  There you have it, Candice Swanepoel, hotness of the people, not gross to make out with, she wears underwear.  That’s why today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.

Candice Swanepoel keeps showing up in pictures lately that make me go, “Wow”.  Then somehow I don’t post her.  Christmas doesn’t really count because that was more a bunch of old pics of her dressed for Christmas and a whole thing. Ditto for Valentines Day.  It is this cool sort of distance I keep from her that leads to her obsession with me, a fact I have repeatedly talked about on this blog.  I know you guys believe me because not a single person has bothered to send me a message to refute it.  Your silence is tacit agreement that Candice Swanepoel is deeply attracted to me.  Thus all the catalogs and emails and stuff that get sent right to me with her in her underwear.  Today it is definitely working because it’s like, oh yeah, she is totally hot.  Today I want to fuck Candice Swanepoel.